Trust No Bitch

It's six a.m. I haven't been to sleep. Sleeping meds are the only meds that don't seem to work on me and why should they since I'm nocturnal as fuck. My mind races with a quixotic synthesis of disgust, contempt, bitterness, and optimism accompanied by feelings of confusion and amenity. How can so many things be so wrong and so right at the same time? One one hand, I have never been happier and I truly feel I am on the right path. On the other, I feel pained and unsure. I don't think people ever stop to think what the person standing beside them has gone through or is going through. I hear a lot of complaining over minuscule situations that I would gladly trade with. There are a lot of BAD things that have happened to me and there are bad things that are still happening to me and I have no choice but to sit back and take it but what is life without a little pain and suffering? Since I can remember, everyone in my life has had control over what I wear, how I act, where I go, who I know, religion, and my chosen profession. Every relationship I've been in was overshadowed by insecurity, emotional larceny, and dominance until recently. I felt as if the world had such a tight grip on me, it would squeeze and squeeze the life out of me and I couldn't breathe.

From time to time I think about giving in to those insecurities and power. I have quit bartending, modeling, film, and everything else I love so many times I cannot keep count. Why should I let them win? What's so wrong with what I am doing? I have fished out advice from my fellow bartender friends and my friends that wait tables who are also single parents. In no way am I in the wrong. I provide stability and a roof over my children's heads. I do not do drugs and I do not go out 'partying.' It's rare that I actually ask for a weekend off and it's rare that my bosses will even give me a Friday or Saturday night off. In the past the ideas of my 'partying too much in pictures' has come across which I never understood because I've been a bartender for 10 years for Christ's sakes. It's only natural that people take dozens of pictures with me at work and there is also NOTHING wrong with a parent taking a night off to their-self every once in a while. My son didn't even spend a single night away from me until he was over 2 and that was incredibly hard for me.

I am also not out 'slutting it up.' This girl is a long-term kind of girl. You go from one relationship to the next, quickly, and suddenly you're viewed as a whore. I've already been divorced, and to an abusive misogynist at that. I'm not making the same mistake twice. It took a while for me to find a man who is supportive of my work and secure with himself and I think I may keep this one around. What is so wrong with that? Why should I be forced to marry someone who makes me feel bad? I shouldn't and people should mind their own fucking business. I am not ready to cut my bartending career. I'm not ready to give up modeling and I'm definitely not stepping away from the horror industry. You can try to hold me back from my dreams all you want. I'm going to come out on top with a smile on my face and at the end of the day you will just be another uptight, miserable ass hole. In a way I feel privileged because I get to do things so many are not capable of. I followed my dream, succeeded, and did this with two children. What did you guys do? Nothing.

Aside from having terrible taste in men, I seem to have terrible taste in girlfriends as well. There are two girls that were my best friends for years. I allowed these vapid tramps to walk all over me and turn right around and act like I was the problem. Sharing private information with mutual parties and attacking your friend with sinister definition and distortion are NOT amid the practices of real friendship. Faking an illness, due to excessive drinking, then throwing a tantrum when your best friend calls you out for being dramatic are NOT amid the practices of real friendship. No other individual on this Earth would ever walk through fire and support these girls the way that I so blindingly did and it's never going to happen again. I love my friends but I have to keep myself closed off. I'm just tired of the bullshit. All I want in life is to work, take care of my kids, and have a supportive man by my side. I don't need anything else. I suppose I do need the support of my friends but you're all going to be kept in the dark when it comes to my personal endeavors. Obviously, I have trust issues. The two of you should go bowling.

While I'm at it, if someone tells you that you need to pick sides, this person is on a whole other plane that's not perpendicular to reality and they're insecure - There's that word again. Life doesn't work that way. Grow up. I don't know what the future has in store for me but if you're going to attempt to control my future or become a distraction then there's no reason for you to be in it.

Octoberfest Recommendations

With Octoberfest inching its way into our lives I have decided to whip up a batch of lively horror films to watch all month long. However, I am not 102% content with the list. There are so many flavors out there and one cannot merely compile a list of 20. How about a list of 200? This is your first batch of films to watch while you sip on that craft beer and munch on stale popcorn that lacks the desired measure of butter and garlic salt. In no particular order......

(Anguish-1987) Incredibly bizarre and original horror film within a horror film brought to us by Spanish director Bigas Luna with Zelda Rubinstein doing what she does best, crawling in the audiences skin and giving you that cold feeling in your stomach. There's a lot of trickery and hypnosis in place. I'm not a fan of mind-altering substances but if you are, watch this film under the influence then get back to me. I am dying to know the results.

(The Boneyard-1991)  On my quest to find rare VHS gems that have somehow managed to remain on open video store shelves I came across this hilarious cover and I couldn't believe that I have no memory of seeing this cover on the shelves so many moons ago. I am surrounded by all these familiar titles, grabbing what I could fit into my arms, then….. WHAT THE FUCK…. Is that a fucking poodle? There are actually two covers, this yellow poodle being the comedy and the black cover representing the horror elements. It's a blood-soaked, boisterous laughfest and every Halloween party should have one. There's a monster poodle for fucks sake. 

(Brain Scan-1994) Ultimately one of my favorite horror films of all time. The computer graphics are exquisite. It has one of the best horror movie scores of all time and this is a film that truly caters to the horror fans. Of all films on this list, watch this one first.

(Cat People-1988) Sex. Big cats. Incest. Malcolm McDowell. Natassja Kinski. David Bowie. Need I say more?

(Children of the Night-1991) Two chicks have this ritual where they swim in an abandoned church crypt (that sounds like fun) and one of the gals drops her crucifix on an old vampire's head awakening him and he takes over the small town. It's ridiculously corny but a genuine vampire flick with the late Karen Black.

(Blacker Than the Night - 1975) Also known as Darker Than the Night, this Spanish horror film is a tale of four women who move into a house that one of the girl's inherited. Her Aunt's spirit still haunts the home and she's absolutely pissed when the girls kill her cat. The film is void of gore and special effects but the chilling atmosphere and acting make up for it. There are a couple of hair raising moments.

(Darkness-1993) This is what I'm talking about! Not all Shot-On-Shiteo films are bad. Vampires, check! Mullets, check! Chainsaws, check! Exploding heads, double check! Buckets of blood and piles of entrails, FUCKING TRIPLE CHECK! If you're a student interested in making your own horror film I highly suggest you do your homework, starting with this sick flick that's easily the goriest vampire film ever made and the director, Leif Jonker, was only 19 at the time!

(Deadly Blessing-1981) Wes Craven is a God. A God I tell you! This eerie entry has several notable actors including Sharon Sone, Michael Berryman, and Ernest Borgnine. Even the annoying Patty Simcox (Susan Buckner) from Grease makes the cast. The film is easily forgettable and I don't know why.

(Demons-1985) Earlier I mentioned Anguish being a horror film within a horror film. Demons is another film that takes place in a movie theater where demons devour and possess the West Berlin attendees. Italian horror films are among my favorites and they're the most brutal. These Italian directors are able to make death look so beautiful and that's something that little Americans have mastered. Okay, maybe not the green puss scene but everything else is spectacular to look at! Rebekah doesn't do green puss. Do not consume food when watching this movie!

(Halloween 3-1982) I am so sick of people giving the third installment shit due to Michael Myer's absence. You may find this film on my list every year because it's actually a brutal film that targets children and one of the child's deaths is so graphic, I'm surprised they got away with it. Originally, the Halloween franchise was suppose to focus on several different villains. That never happened. Only in the third one is Myers absent. The story focuses on the bad ass Tom Atkins who tries to take down a Halloween mask producing company that is run by witches…. Errr robots…. whatever the fuck they are. The company's goal is to kill every child in America.

(Near Dark-1987) Here's one for my Texan vampire fans! Around every corner is a unique vampire flick with style. This is the only film on my list directed by a woman. Not to worry, wait until the next list!

(Night of the Demons-1988) I know, I know. "You put this on your list every year!" Well that's because it's my favorite horror film of all time and it takes place on Halloween you pretentious pubic hair. Where else are you going to see a fully nude girl inserting lipstick into her nipple? N-O-W-H-E-R-E!

(The People Under the Stairs-1991) Wes Craven graces my list more than any other horror director. The man knows how to please a lady. He speaks to my heart. Sean Whalen is gross but this film is outrageously underrated. Incest. A little black boy named 'Fool' as the heroine. Ving Rhames. Booby traps. Leather body suits. Racial slurs. Child abuse. Pale, inbred children that turn to cannibalism and a mean dog named Prince. Dig it.

(Pin-1988) A brother and sister live together with a wooden dummy named 'Pin" that tells the brother to do things. This psychological horror film is unlike anything you have ever seen. A feeling of dread will creep over you then you will find yourself asking, "What the fuck did I just watch?"

(Poison for the Fairies-1984) Deadly fable that focuses on two annoying girls. One being bat shit crazy and the other being manipulated by her friend that believes she is a witch. Child on child murder. Brilliant cinematography. Winner of the Mexican Academy Awards.

(Popcorn-1991) Yet another horror film that takes place in a movie theater. I swear I am not doing this on purpose! The premise is silly but the deaths are lucrative and people seem to think that horror films hibernated in the 90s. I seem to remember several goodies from the 90s. These people have no clue what they're talking about. I like to pair this entry with Society.

(The Sentinel-1977) Guaranteed to give you a heart attack. The mom in the National Lampoons Vacation films (Beverly D'Angelo) shows her bewbs and masturbates in an off-putting scene. Chris Sarandon, Cristina Raines, Christopher Walken, Ava Gardner, Tom Berender, Jeff Goldblum, and John Carradine are among the cast.

(Sometimes They Come Back-1991) Octoberfest wouldn't be right without a little Stephen King now, would it? What started out as a short story turned into one of the better films plucked from the King's work. Tim Matheson and his family move back to his hometown where he is being harassed by teenagers that were killed after murdering his older brother when he was a kid. This event has been haunting him his entire life and now he has a chance to put the demons behind him. Unfortunately, it's not just a haunting. The dead greasers are picking off teens left and right for shits and giggles and they strive to murder Jim to keep themselves out of hell. It sounds silly but this is a spooky film that I look forward to watching again for the first time in 10 years.

(The Blob-1988) One of the better remakes floating around out there with Saw's Shawnee Smith in the lead. If you love science fiction then you need to get a load of this gooey killing machine. It's gory and the action is non-stop.

(Triangle-2009) Never mind that weird thing going on with Melissa George's mouth. This is another original entry that doesn't receive the respect it deserves. A group of friends have a yacht accident in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and find an abandoned ship where they are doomed to experience torment over and over and over again. It's like.... totally outrageous..... Like JEM outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous.

It's GIF Time and This Time It's a Bartender's Reaction

When you're actually having a good shift, making money, and your patrons are behaving themselves.

There's always that one!

My friends when I do a fancy bartending trick.

When a guy produces an overly long speech about how he would do dirty things to me after hours and I will love it!

When I look at the schedule and see that I actually have a Friday or Saturday night off.

The morning after that night off, opening the bar. 

Don't install SnapChat. Just don't.

When I go to other bars.

OMG it's ZEKE!

When one of our older regulars tells a lame joke or says something like, "Oh did you bring that food for me?"

When nasty people make out at the bar. Get a room guys!

Same as above.

 This has nothing to do with bartending. I just found it entertaining.

When that customer says, "Surprise me," or "Make me something good," only to say this after you've begun making the drink.

When your friends come to visit you at work.

I couldn't agree more.

Trying to get your friends to work out with you. 

When my patrons are arguing about movies or music and they are both wrong.

Gratitude and Complaints

Life gets in the way of my personal blog and my column for Geek Juice. I work too much! Now that I have a night off, I can catch everyone up to speed and show gratitude where it's due. Due to my hectic work schedule, my son going through the terrible two's, and getting a new school year in order, I just haven't had the time for anything. I still have articles for print magazines that are nowhere near finished and we still haven't finished the Hanukkillah script. Slowly but surely, we will get there. I recently had an interview with the late B-Movie actor Rick Dean's mother. I am so content with how well this interview went. Parts of it will be placed in my Stripteaser/Naked Obsession article for Geek Juice and the other part will be in the piece I write for Hannah's magazine.

While I do have some complaints and issues that I would like to address, let me get all the special thanks out of the way. My new photos from my latest shoots have been viewed 1, 995 times within a week of posting the photos. Your Facebook comments are kind and thoughtful. The photographer telling me I'm elegant like a swan made me feel younger. I guess you can never really take the ballerina out of the girl.

My hometown has been remarkable and I am so proud of our community for turning it into a better place to live. Apparently, it use to be one of the most dangerous cities to live in. It's no secret that I absolutely loathe the surrounding hickish towns. I'm not a fan of nature and I like going to the mall which is why you will NEVER see me living in some backwoods town, no offense to my friends who do. I do not like country music, cowboy hats, and anything to do with redneckism. Do I sound like a spoiled, high and mighty woman? My apologies. As I explained in a previous post, I do believe I have become a strong figure for Beaumont. Over the years I have been involved with the arts, cleaning up our town, charity events, and theater. These are things I have done for this town.

*Part of the Beaumont Community Players.

*Public Speaker and Panelist for Lamar University regarding misogyny and the ideas of women exploiting themselves in film. This was an amazing panel!

*For two years I have been a film and music festival organizer in town, along with being a judge for the contests.

*Organized charity events for our local women and children's shelters and at the moment we are trying to put funds together to open an improved and more homely women and children's shelter since the ones we have now are completely unsuitable.

*Spoke on behalf of the noise ordinance to the city council and we won.

*I have been featured in articles for miscellaneous Beaumont papers to talk about the issues and traumas of internet stalking. Cat5 even wrote an article about my bartending and Halloween-themed cocktails that I concocted.

I try to stay involved with the arts and these charity events as much as possible which most of you know if you have been following me for years. The Lone Star art show in Houston was a crazy event where we expressed sexuality and the beauty of pregnancy along with some other questionable topics. Then there's the film festivals and competitions I stay involved with. One of my nude maternity photos was featured at a feminist gala that raised a lot of money for suffering women and children. I was recently interviewed on Snapped on Oxygen due to an article I wrote about a case. My cocktails were featured in the Have a Heart Cookbook that donated all of its funds to the Get Safe Project and at the moment I am working on another art project that focuses on the homeless in Southeast Texas along with battered women and runaways. I'd also like to focus on the transgender. This is what I love doing. People know and respect me for all of these things. I do not have any room for cat fights, jealousy, or worrying what people are saying about me on the internet.

Sure it hurts when people tell you what pulls up in google searches but what can I do about it? I don't plan on responding or attempting to make it disappear. I know the average idiot knows not to believe everything they read. However, I find it profoundly disturbing when I see that people are using my name to post "LOL" on the guest book for a friend who passed. I even saw someone was using my name on an online Jerry Springer post. Then there's the ridiculous "video" an internet troll made of me calling me an internet stalker when I didn't even have a computer for a year. The video has been removed from all sites but one. I do not have the time to search for all of them and report them as bullying or abuse. Funny how all these things seem to happen when I'm at work then I don't find out about them until long after. I adore everyone who stands up for me. Even those who do not know me and thank you all so much for being supportive and helping me to promote these events! I promise to keep up with my column, magazine articles, and podcast as much as possible. I do not do these things to make myself look good. I do these things because it's what I love!

Our podcast has gotten a lot of listeners. Thank you all for listening to our little show! Last week, director Bryan Coyne co-hosted with me and we had a fun trio contest with a prize that lucky Joe Flynn won. I am going to try and keep up with this podcast as much as possible but keep in mind that it wont be as often due to my hectic schedule.

I would also like to thank everyone who comes to see me at work, nominates me for best bartender, compliments the cocktails I make, and puts me on their bartender websites. I love you all! I've been a bartender off and on for 10 years now and though there are times when I feel I just cannot do it anymore, I instantly change my mind. I have such a strong passion for my work. I am very precise and creative with my drinks. Bartending is an art that doesn't receive the recognition that it deserves. People look at us like we are rockstars. I see us as mixologists, comforting, and crafty. I will never apologize for my job. For me, it's better than being a school teacher or a doctor. There are so many out there like me that do not believe they are high and mighty and admit there is still so much to learn about the world of bartending. The movie "Hey Bartender" made me feel so happy to see others like me. I HAVE to go to this Tales of the Cocktail event in New Orleans. I was asked to make a blog post with photos of my favorite drinks to make. I will as soon as I have another day off! In the meantime, everyone needs to watch THIS trailer!

Hey Bartender - Official Theatrical Trailer (2013) Movie [HD]