Murphy's Law

What an amazing weekend. If you're wondering why I am titling it "Murphy's Law," it's because that which can go wrong...did go wrong this weekend. Roxy kept repeating that the majority of the weekend because she was just reading about it. What a clever little epigram.

Day One, Friday: I am running late as usual but this time it wasn't my fault! There was a horrific car accident on the freeway in Houston and I even saw a dead body covered with a sheet in the middle of the road. It took forever to get through it then when I saw THAT....I felt a little distraught. I also had to get my Taco Cabana fix. I finally got to Roxy's....we get into her Mustang and we are soooo ecstatic to get on the road to Dallas. We are all, "YAY!" Then her car wouldn't start because of the battery. Then we were all, "GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCK SHIT WHAT THE FUCK????" Then we got the jumper cables to jump start her battery (seeing the two of us do this was hilarious) and we headed towards an Auto Store. She had to buy a brand new battery that cost like 100 bucks. I was tempted to buy her some Black Ice Car fresheners...how do those smell? After they inserted the new battery her car still wouldn't start. I don't know much about cars but the 'thingy' that connects to the battery was having issues. The guy cleaned it up and wiggled it around some then it finally started and we were off!

It was hard to stay awake during the drive but Roxy did have a fabulous 80s mix. It featured songs like; "Loved By the Sun" from the movie Legend, "No Easy Way Out" from Rocky 4 when he is all sad and shit, and we cannot forget George Micheal's "Never Gonna Dance Again." We had a hard time finding the hotel down town but eventually got there. We got up to our room and ordered some room service before we got ready. Oh and let me remind you, Roxy and I didn't pay for anything on this trip. They took care of our hotel rooms, food, alcohol, cigarettes, etc.... I felt a little spoiled but it was nice.

We both took a shower together before getting all dolled up and this bitch actually drops the soap in the shower. Classic moment. We laughed and she even said, "Ooops I dropped the soap." After getting ready we headed out to TGI Friday's where we met with our escorts Still Reaper and ET. We brought the dead baby into TGIs with us and the waitress gave it a high chair, some blood to drink, crayons, and a coloring sheet. People were staring and acted like they were scared.  It was wonderful. I love how normal people are. It's weird to them but this isn't even the craziest thing we've done this week. I called a little kid who ran by screaming a little pussy but I don't think he heard me.


After our meal our Limo Hearse arrived and then the drinking started. They had Jameson and Wild Turkey Honey waiting for us. From there we drove to a bar called "Trees" I think? This place had an 80s Metal Burlesque show and it was awesome. Angela Ryan's "Kiss Me Deadly" was one of my favorites. I stole this video from You Tube. I know how losers on the internet like to 'claim' that I 'steal' their work but that simply isn't true. Everyone knows I have my own writing style. I try to make it sound like it was written by a 16 year old girl. I have my own humor. But this I did steal....


Another sexy dance was two girls dancing to Van Halen Hot for Teacher. Now that was sexy. From there we retired to the hotel where we had even more to drink and said bye bye to our limo hearse. Roxy and Bob Sanders MADE me go to breakfast with them. I cannot even remember what I ate. Returning back to our hotel was always fun because there seemed to be some kind of Jersey Shore wannabe nightclub thingy going on.



      
The next day I woke up with a wonderful hangover and Roxy is ready to get our morning shots going. So we started taking shots. And when I say morning I actually mean after noon. We were going to sleep in longer but we couldn't with the Jersey Shore Pool Party. There were so many tanned Guido's walking around with chizzled chests I thought I was going to vomit. Roxy and I stared out the window for five minutes making impressions. “You don’t belong here. You don’t even look Italian,” and “My boobs are so tight. I can’t breathe.” Honestly, I don't know if they were Italian...or what. All I know is that they were all extremely tan.



We get all dolled up. Roxy is dressed as Marilyn Monroe and I'm dressed up like a whore from Thunderdome.......only hotter. Our limo arrives and we are off to roller derby. Since Roxy and I are professional drinkers (me more so than her) we had our bottles stashed under our booth. Cops kept walking by and looking at it which made me nervous but at the same time I didn't give a fuck. We went to the bathroom for a couple of shots. I allowed Bob to remove the bag and put it back into the limo because Roxy hadn't eaten anything and I didn't want her to get shmammered...I also just didn't want to get into trouble with the five-O. During the half time for the first bout (which Spindletop Roller Girls were in) Roxy and I walked out to the middle of the track and from there she sang Happy Birthday Marilyn Monroe style. I always had faith in her. I knew she had a lot to drink on an empty stomach but I figured she would do fine which she did. We return to our booth and she started drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade. I thought it was hilarious. She signed a lot of autographed pictures and I cannot believe I actually sold some of mine. Next time, I'll have to come prepared and have more of my pictures to offer. Roxy also signed some guys chest for 20 bucks. Now that was entertaining. I almost forgot to mention that some big cunt came up to our table asking us who gave us permission to set up there. We basically just looked at her like she was stupid.
  
After a long evening we go back to the hotel finishing off our liquor and watching Spirit Camp in the limo.
    
After a few more shots in the hotel room we go to a bar....some bar I cannot remember the name of. I was happy to see the derby girls from my home town were there! I took lots of pictures that will be added soon. Those girls are a lot of fun and I enjoy skating with them. I finally did settle on a name by the way, Jewn Cleaver. Roxy came up with it. Roxy was starting to feel 'ill' so we went back to hotel. She sobered up and instead of us sleeping in and driving home the next day we drove back to Houston at 3:30 am and arrived around 7:30 am. LONGEST. DRIVE. EVER. There was so much that happened on this trip that I couldn't even talk about and I'm sure I'm forgetting a lot but over all it was a lot of fun. Roxy and I are going to have our own booth at Splatterfest where Bruce Campbell will be a guest. We will be signing autographs there. I promise to have more prints to sign. I'm going to add more pictures of this event as soon as they are added. Until then you will have to settle for this...
   

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