This Filthy World: My Evening With John Waters

It looks like I owe Diverse Works Art Space a big THANKS for having me twice in one week. First I get to model for the most chaotic event I've ever been involved with then I get to attend John Waters' one man show and Q&A. The tickets for this show were limited and they were quite pricey ($250-$500.) In my blog for the Art Explosion I mentioned how disappointed I was for not being able to meet John Waters within such short notice. I envied those who were attending. By the grace of Moses, I got lucky and I was put on the guest list plus one. The plus one being Roxy Vandiver of corpse. I called her up explaining the event and Roxy's response was, "Dude, you had me at John Waters." You guys should witness Roxy and I getting dolled up for these occasions. It's never boring. Roxy puts on this purple cocktail dress and green fishnets with black and white striped heels. She looked like a sexier Joker. She asks me, "Is this too much?" NONSENSE! This is John fucking Waters! We can't even out do drag queens. Imagine the freak show that's going to be attending this event. I wore my black and white polka dot dress and fishnets with black gloves. We arrived and it's all normal, well-dressed Houstonians. I guess that's my bad, but we did stand out. I wish I had more time to speak to more of the attendees so that I could understand their reasoning for being there that night. We did speak to two guys hanging around outside the show with a Jameson t-shirt and a Troll 2 t-shirt on the other. It was fabulous. I also have to point out that I had the best questions for John. This isn't vanity. Everyone told me so after the show. I asked him if there was anything he wouldn't do sexually in the bedroom. I was expecting him to say no to eating his significant others feces but his answer was actually necrophilia.

Inside, they were handing out bags of goodies and a pamphlet with fake John Waters mustaches attached. I wore mine for a total of 10 minutes because it didn't want to cooperate with my face. Others also seemed to have a hard time keeping this on but I did keep mine as a souvenir. I am so jealous of his mustache. I would love to ride on that face all day every day. After John's hilarious, charismatic, and brutally honest performance we got to mingle and enjoy spectacularly thrown together snacks; bags of popcorn, Justin Bieber cups with spicy Chex Mix, and Divine dog turds. Did I have a Divine turd? You bet your sweet ass I did. Don't believe me? Here's a picture of it below! It was a bit nutty. 

John Waters' one man show was a fascinating journey into the depths of depravity in his felicitously ingenious and mind. It's hard to sum up the man's life within 90 minutes. He recalled past experiences with his films, favorite works of art, love for true crime, fashion, and the trashiest acts of depravity known to man. He encourages everyone, children included, to open their arms to filth and embrace our nature. This beautiful man has directed sixteen films, shared his photography in galleries all over the world, and he's the author of six books including Role Models. I was fortunate enough to get a signed copy of the book for free on account of me being a huge retarded fan of his. He also signed my copies of Cry Baby and Serial Mom, some of my personal favorites. He's also a member of The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, past member of The Andy Warhol Foundation, and is currently on The Wexner Center International Arts Advisory Council. In addition to his performance, he's giving Houston his first solo exhibition titled "Neurotic." Neurotic features photographs, sculptures, and montages that embody Waters' provocative themes such as race, sex, gender, consumerism, and religion. He loves dangerous and contemporary art and what you can get away with. It's like a secret group with secret handshakes. If someone says, "My kid could have done that" he says, "Yea but they didn't did they stupid?" It's apparent that there's a difference between seeing something and looking at something. 

John opened up with how he got into exploitation and the arts. Just as I suspected, he took pleasure out of offending others. Especially, when he got into Catholic school. He did assure us that it's not all about shock and disgust. Then he opened up about his fondness for K Fed and Justin Bieber. Justin Bieber is who he really wants to marry. I wish to explore this further. What is John's fascination with that young lad? Maybe it's his boyish good looks. I personally think he looks like a really cute girl. He's a big William Castle fan and enjoys the skeletons on a wire bit but the director who really inspired him was Kroger Babb. Kroger Babb was into making sex education films and documentaries. His exploitation film "Mom and Dad" is a sex hygiene film that was condemned by the National Legion of Decency but it became one of the highest grossing films of the 1940s. They showed the film for six years in Baltimore and Waters' was a huge fan. He explained that the film contains medical footage of a baby being born and men were actually wanking to this. This is the first I am hearing of Mom and Dad. I get surprised when someone mentions a film or director I have never heard of. Especially, when it comes to exploitation. Porn is another favorite of his. He acknowledged that the porn business is in trouble and only idiots pay for porn. There are two recent porn flicks that he does enjoy. One is called "Occupy My Throat" and it's based on the occupy movement in Oakland. The other is called, "My Ass is Haunted." John asks the question, "What do you mean it's haunted? Is there a goblin that guards your ass?"  I mostly enjoyed the segment where he explained his own films. "People see these movies and they think, you must have been on drugs. Well, we were. "  For Mondo Trasho, they "found a pig farm to shoot in and the pigs started fucking when they saw Divine. He turned them on and he was pig porn." Pink Flamingos is most notorious of his films without a doubt. If he hadn't included the infamous eating shit scene by Divine, he feels Johnny Knoxville would have done it eventually. He loves Jackass and the body sweat cocktail scene is his favorite. Divine was on welfare at the time of Pink Flamingos. John says that the cast was so poor they couldn't eat and they were brave to make the film. The film is about limits. He showed Pink Flamingos while he was teaching in prison and all the murderous inmates told him that HE was fucked up. When he wrote Hairspray, Divine was going to play Tracy AND the mother but Ricki Lake ultimately took on the role of Tracy. Divine died a week after Hairspray and John is still shocked by his death to a heroine overdose at the age of 44. John Waters and Co. all bought graves next to Divine's and they call it "Disgrace-Land."  Cry Baby is a movie on juvenile delinquency. Juvenile delinquency is "important" to John and far more exciting than trying to be bad at 70. This is why Cry Baby is one of my favorites. He opened up about the cast and said he just wrapped a film with Traci Lords that premiered at Sundance. "I play a priest and she plays an uptight mother, times have changed." What had me giggling was his impression of Susan Tyrell, "Hi, my name is SueSue and I have the pussy of a 10 year old." Apparently, that's how she use to introduce herself. Now that's something I cannot picture. I recently typed up a review for Nightmare Maker starring Susan Tyrell as the villain and her incestuous performance was unforgettable, as it was in Cry Baby. I wonder what Susan is doing NOW. I meant to ask John how he decided to use her in Cry Baby. Nightmare Maker was on the infamous Video Nasty list so maybe he was a fan of the film. Serial Mom is his favorite because it's about killing people just for getting on your nerves or pissing you off. He did a lovely Kathleen Turner impression, "I hear you make the best Martini in town. Prove it." I realize that doesn't seem funny while reading it. That's one of those "had to be there" and hear it for yourself gimmicks. Just try to imagine it for yourself. Kathleen Turner has an incredibly deep voice. Pecker was his film about the art world and it's when tea bagging caught on. He wanted to come up with new sex acts and he thought about Christmas sex acts. "How about a string of lights?" Multicolored loads decorated all over your loved ones. Can you see it? Or a Snowman. "You get a facial, go outside, freeze and come back in. MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

I love it when comedians and performers point out things that get under their skin. Some of the things he pointed out were women showing their tits on the red carpet. "Don't give it away for free." He feels like men should show off their balls on the red carpet, including Brad Pitt. I have to agree with the magazines by the toilet bit. I wondered about this issue a few days ago while peeing in a friends bathroom. I let him borrow my copy of Stephen King's It and the book has been sitting in that bathroom for a while. "Haven't you ever heard of shit or get off the pot? You're straining for 20 minutes with this magazine." Now that's how you get a blossom. I highly recommend some Preparation-H if you really do spend that much time on the toilet just a straining away. Another complaint I agree with is when you invite people to dinner parties and there's the whiner complaining that they cannot eat what you're having. The man had the perfect response, "Well then fuck you, don't come." 

Other topics he addressed were offbeat sexual attractions like sexual attraction to food, people who fuck pies. Feeders and chubby chasers, whatever you do don't see the film Feeders. Balloonies, people who get off on popping balloons. An attendant sat on a balloon after the show and kept popping all of the balloons with excitement. Then he pops the question, "anal bleaching, is that true? Nosey little rimmer looking around." He educated us in terms like blossoms. Blossoms are when you have been fist fucked so much, your anus is blown up on the outside.  As most of you know, he's also a homosexual and gay rights activist. I was happy to hear some of his thoughts on marital issues. Make hetero-divorce illegal. It's funny, I just googled "hetero-divorce" and a link for John Waters' ranting on making hetero-divorce illegal. "Why should anyone care if a gay couple adopts a baby? Take it from an orphanage and save them. They have it made. " But he also feels there are too many gay people. He's for coming "in." One of his favorite films is Wizard of Oz and he wants to remake the film because he cannot understand why Dorothy would want to go back to that farm. She takes some poppers and goes back to Oz where Scarecrow has made a book called "Dorothy and Friends." The Tin Man is a yoga instructor now. The lion is a drag queen named Aurora. Dorothy now owns a gay bar called the "Yellow Brick Load." I hope I remembered all of those details correctly. So much to recall. He's a fan of broadway and wants to make a Hindu musical. He mentioned a song called, "Gandhi, cock sucker, you be the judge."

Some Additional Things I Learned About John Waters That Night:
*He loves hitchhiking.

*He loves the expression "the V of her crouch" and he looks at the V of girl's crouches. He tried to get Edith Massey to say it but she couldn't say it right because of her teeth. 

*He loves Ike and Tina Turner together even though Ike beat Tina repetitively and remembers their crappy green bus with Ike and Tina Review hand painted on the side. She had a mustache back then. 

*He's a big Lars Von Tier fan and named Melancholia as one of the best films from last year.

* He wants to have an abortion film festival.  That would be interesting. 

*He has a lifetime supply of RUSH.

*He likes to take poppers on roller coasters.

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