Shitty Movie Tuesday: I Know Your Movie is Shitty

Not only am I going to progress forward with VHS Thursday, because it has a strong following, I am going to try on Shitty Movie Tuesdays. It's like trying on a new outfit. I know my fans enjoy VHS Thursday because it has such transcendent style and it accommodates my charismatic charm as well as morale......... And the shopping is fun. For all I know, people will look at Shitty Move Tuesday as a horrible outfit and ask, "Who the hell does that bitch think she is?" VHS Thursday, for the most part, exists on Wicked Channel. I only review VHS on here from now on if it's not horror. The majority of my Shitty Movie Tuesday posts will be on WC but I would like to introduce it on my blog first. I have carefully selected two shitty films to be my guinea pigs. 

After Scream did so well in the box office, Kevin Williamson thought he could bring this disastrous script to life and hope to attract the same viewers. I guess it worked but I remember it being pretty terrible. Popped it in a few days ago. Yep, I was right. Pretty terrible.

Why are there always four teenagers? Haven't we seen enough of this regurgitated cliche? Four extremely attractive teens run over some dude out in the middle of nowhere. They didn't think the police could possibly understand and risk their promising futures so they dump his body into a lake. A year later, the foursome receives messages from a mysterious individual that claims to 'Know what they did last Summer.' OMG NO WAY! Then they are terrorized by a man with a hook, rain slicker, and rubber hat.

The opening scene is promising as it pans over the dark sea with Type O Negative's "Summer Breeze" blasting. The film has a spectacular atmosphere. Sometimes I wonder had the motive been improved and the killer was anything but a fisherman, it would have worked for me. I just don't like fish. I don't like fish. I don't like fishing boats. I don't like rain slickers and I don't like hooks. Ghostface killer was much better if you ask me. As silly as that sounds. 

I have mixed feelings about the cast but one thing is for sure, I would bang all four of them. Of all of the typical foursome horror teens out there, I Know What You Did Last Summer has the hottest group of actors. It even has Bridgette Wilson. As for the others, I usually only find two or three of the cast members attractive. Jennifer Love Hewitt (Julie) has the whole girl next door look going for her but she is still incredibly beautiful with a great rack. I ADORE the living shit out of Sarah Michelle Gellar and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I am such a huge Buffy nerd. Maybe it's because I dig her look. Maybe it's because she was amazing in Cruel Intentions. All I know is, I am a huge fan. SMG plays the hotter, superficial best friend of Julie. Her name is Helen and she is a beauty queen. *Insert Honey BooBoo voice* She wins Miss Croaker. Too bad her dreams to become an actress in New York City fall short and she's back home working with her bitch sister Elsa. Helen's boyfriend, Barry (Ryan Phillipe,) is the hottest actor in this film. He is also the biggest dick and deserves to die. Not a believable football star. Then we have Ray, played by Freddie Prinze Jr. Whatever happened to Freddie Prinze Jr? I remember this movie and She's All That. My memory of him fades. He is married to SMG so I do not think he is hurting either way. 

Look out for performances by Anne Heche and Johnny Galecki. You know, David from Roseanne. You also maybe remember seeing him in that terrible sit-com Big Bang Theory.

Remaining Thoughts: This doesn't make any sense. Why would the killer just 'pretend' to be dead after hearing that they were about to dump his body? Why not jump up and be like, "Hey, I AM ALIVE! DON'T DISPOSE OF MY BODY!" Nonsense. There is no comedic relief in this movie. Where are all the fun jokes? When JLH is screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?" I laughed.... Hard. There's your comedic relief. Gets me every time and since when the fuck does blue match with brown? I don't think so....

Oh look, another fruitless I KNOW title. At least I Know What You Did Last Summer had Kevin Williamson's name attached and hit theaters immediately after the Scream craze. I Know Who Killed Me was just too little, too late. As much as I adore Lindsay Lohan and strippers, this excrement just didn't do anything for me. Maybe, had the film showed her breasts and provided a better soundtrack, I would let it slide but it happens to have one of the worst soundtracks I have ever heard.

On a positive note, the film did have a very imaginative use of colors blue and red. Did I ever tell you my favorite color is blue?

Lindsay Lohan plays a set of twins who have no idea they're twins. Dakota is an erotic dancer and Aubrey is a school girl with rich parents. While Aubrey is abducted and tortured for days, Dakota is mistaken for her as her limbs begin to rot off. It really is an interesting concept. So why didn't it do so well? Maybe it was on account of Chris Siverton's shitty, amateur directing. Maybe it was the piss poor script. If you pay close attention to the movie, there are several mistakes. For one, they sure did hire an aggressive boom mic operator. What's the deal, happy meal?

Lohan was the only one who knew how to act in this shitty, shitty movie. I cannot even remember the rest of the cast and their forgettable performances. I Know Who Killed Me held the record for "Most Razzies" until Jack and Jill came along. Lohan won the Best Actress award. Others received were; Worst Picture, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, Worst Screen Couple, Worst Remake or Rip-off, and Worst Excuse for a Horror Film.  

Lets be honest, this isn't the worst film ever made nor does it even cut anywhere close. I could name several films that are far worse. It's still not all that good. 

"Do I look like I am in a fucking coma?" -Dakota


  1. I always loved IKWYDLS. I can't argue that it is actually good, but it's one I dug a lot. About the fisherman(Ben) pretending to be dead. He had been hit by a car, so I imagine he was not only injured, but also knocked the fuck out. Throwing him in the water could have jarred him awake because afterwards, Barry, I think, jumps in to get Helen's tiara and Ben grabs at him. So, I don't think he was pretending.

  2. Valid point. Suppose you are correct, there are still factors that simply do not add up. People have asked before how he knew how to find these kids if he was knocked the fuck out. Some suggested that he was awake the whole time listening. The more I try to rationalize it and make any sense of it, the dumber it sounds and then I realize I wasted too much time thinking about it.

  3. Holy shit, I never thought about that. You're right, there is no logical answer for how he was able to find out who the kids were that hit him, even if he was awake it still doesn't pan out. I don't recall them revealing anything personal that he could then use to track them down. I agree, it's just a dumb post Scream slasher(this was just a better one considering some of the terrible ones that were made), not exactly anything to try and find deeper meaning in. I just have always found it fun, and entertaining; something just to shut the brain off to. The sequels however, were absolute shit.


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