Movies We Love: The Room

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think about The Room? Shit sandwich. It's shit but I love sandwiches. A shit sandwich smothered in erroneous portrayals, a heavenly slice of icky and substandard communication, a side of abandoned subplots, and the R&B slow jams squiring the sleazy coitus acts makes for a nice cool refreshment to help swallow it down. It has a strong cult following that attends the Midnight Showings in theaters all over the US, dressed as the characters from the film while throwing spoons at the screen and tossing a football around. Cartoon Network even aired the film on April Fools Day for years.

It has been said that Troll 2 is the best worst movie of all time. Honestly, I think both of these films carry that heavy torch. It's hard to choose which is better or worse. Both films were made on a serious note yet came out to be the most hilarious piece of shit film-making known to man. Give yourself a hand, Tommy Wiseau. The Room is this weeks selection for Shitty Movie Tuesday.

This is a long awaited review that people have been begging me to post for years. It took a while because I knew I had to see the film again before giving it a write up. I've seen a lot of clips and fan made videos here and there over the years but I didn't watch the film for the third time until last night. There seems to be a lot of love on the net as well. Check out this cool meme I came across earlier on Facebook.

Let me get this genius plot away before the fun begins; Johnny is a banker that gets screwed out of a promotion but that's okay because his girlfriend Lisa is loyal to him…. So he thought. Lisa begins shagging his best friend Mark on a regular basis. Lisa's mother has cancer. Lisa doesn't love Johnny. There's a subplot with a young retarded man named Denny who gets mixed up in drugs. But we never find out what happens with this part of the story. It's almost as if Tommy Wiseau forgot that was part of the story. A shit storm at a party ensues and the cards are off the table. Was that the worst synopsis you ever read? You'll forgive me after you see this shit sandwich. 

Supposedly this film had a 6 million dollar budget. That's several million more than most independent horror features that are some of the worst films known to man. One has to wonder where the money went.

Lets go over my four favorite scenes beginning with, "Oh, Hi Mark."  Johnny starts every conversation off with "Oh, hi." This is the best of conversations between Johnny and Mark. A raging Johnny walks up to the rooftop and rambles on, "I did not hit her, it's not true! It's bullshit! I did not hit her! I did NOT. Oh hi, Mark." What the…. how random. Apparently, Johnny and Mark are best friends. This is mentioned seven times. They seem to have many awkward conversations. In the middle of Johnny's 'confidential' work conversation, he randomly asks Mark, "Anyway, how is your sex life?" Mark doesn't have all the best lines in the film like Johnny but he does get to say, "Leave your stupid comments in your pocket." After a few more hilarious lines are thrown at a random pace, Mark tells a tragic story, "Yeah, man, you'll never know. People are very strange these days. I used to know a girl; she had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it... beat her up so bad she ended up at a hospital on Guerrero Street." For some reason, Johnny thinks this story is hilarious. He begins laughing and says, "What a story, Mark."

Scene two, the flower shop scene. Johnny walks into a flower shop and the clerk asks, "Can I help you?" Note, she doesn't recognize him at first. Johnny asks for a dozen red roses. She then says, "Oh, hi, Johnny. I didn't know it was you." You can see him clear as day when he walks into the shop but it takes her a few minutes to recognize him. Then rest of the scene is random dialogue thrown in… Just because? Johnny pays the clerk then is like, "Here you go. Keep the change." Without pausing he immediately says, "Hi, doggy," while petting a random dog that just happens to be sitting on the counter. This is followed by the clerk saying, "You're my favorite customer" without pausing yet again. I am also convinced that clerk is a dude.

Scene three, "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART LISA!" This seems to be one of the most quoted lines in the film. He screams about how he didn't hit her then pushed her down on the couch. Lisa asks, "Why are you so hysterical?" No shit. Lisa may be a wench but that's no reason to go around pushing girls and screaming at them.

Scene four, "CHIP CHIP CHIP." Last time I checked, chickens didn't say "CHIP." He does this twice.

So lets go over some of these plot holes like the mother having cancer. "I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer." Wiseau just decides to give this character cancer for no reason and never even brings the issue up again. Then there's the subplot with Denny. Denny is the weirdest character in the whole film and that's saying a lot considering how weird Johnny is. Wiseau claims his character is suppose to be mentally retarded which makes sense because at the beginning he jumps in the bed with Lisa and Johnny to pillow fight and say, "I just like to watch you guys." Creepy. Turns out, Denny has a problem with drugs and is almost killed by a drug dealer. The issue is not solved or brought to the table again.

Lisa is not only an ungrateful and unfaithful bitch. She's an airhead as well with lines like, "She's a stupid bitch. She wants to control my life. I'm not going to put up with that. I'm going to do what I want to do, and that's it. What do you think I should do?" Then there's the line about the promotion and asking Johnny if he wants her to order a pizza followed by, "I already ordered a pizza."

With all of these amazing quotes and the terrible filmmaking, one has to wonder if Tommy Wiseau is a genius. He said he made the film on a serious note. So there you have it. There's either something wrong with him or he is in fact.... A genius. You really want to know what it is that made The Room so amazing? Do you REALLY want to know? I will tell you. Are you ready?

Ancient Aliens.

Favorite Quotes:

"Love is blind."

Don't touch me, mother fucker."

"Anything for my princess!"

"I'm tired, I'm wasted…. I love you, darling!"

"Who are you calling a bitch?"
"You and your stupid mother."

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