|Took a phone pic of camera, photography by Jason Cruz.|
For years I have been fighting a battle that exists for reasons I cannot explain. For all we know, there might not be another tomorrow so I opted to keep on living life to the fullest. As for the men in my life that have held me back and kept me from succeeding, I am no longer yours to torment. You can make another woman your slave but this girl is free to do whatever she wants. If I want to dress up for Halloween and attend Halloween parties, I have a right to. It's not like I am going trick r treating. Speaking of Halloween, you guys are going to LOVE my costume this year. We are throwing a huge party at the bar with food and cupcakes with all my favorite rare horror films playing on the tvs. Yes you are still allowed to play the jukebox.
As for modeling and dance, I have been involved with these things since I was a little girl. It's hard to stop but recently I have been having some problems that have made it hard for me to perform 100%. Unfortunately, I had to pull back from my role as The Swan in Circus of the Dead. This was a hard decision that I am not happy about but I had no choice. Recently, my anxiety has gotten a lot worse. I wanted to believe that I was Superwoman and that I could do anything I wanted to do but I cannot. I am getting closer and closer to 30. I have two children and a job. There's only so much I can do without having a panic attack. This year I have had at least five panic attacks, one happening the night before this shoot. Maybe I could have gone anyway and said, "FUCK IT!" But I would have been driving with my kids in the car and I couldn't risk it.
I had a Steam Punk Ballerina shoot a few days ago and I had to keep moving the shoot hours back because I got so stressed, I couldn't breathe. Thankfully, my best friend Amy was the make-up artist so she was able to take care of me and calm me down so that I could carry on with the shoot. Words cannot express how much gratitude I owe Amy for always being there for me, no matter what. Panic attacks are NOT fun and you don't go parading around, faking these things like I have seen another individual do. It's embarrassing to me which is why I have decided not to schedule as many shoots in the near future. Putting on make-up has never been fun for me. This is why I never wear it. My toes and legs were also killing me at work the next day. I think it's time to quit ballet for good. I'll be 28 soon and my feet just cannot take it anymore. This doesn't mean I will be quitting modeling for good. I also have some exciting film roles coming up and Circus of the Dead director Billy Pon told me not to be so hard on myself, we can always work together on his next film. Billy isn't just another director to me. He is my friend and the both of us have spent a lot of time supporting each other since I met him the year I hosted Texas Frightmare Weekend. Circus of the Dead is still going to be an awesome flick and I am asking you guys to support it! Last but not least, I am soooo not done with theater. Annie and Cabaret auditions are coming close and it would be nice if my friends could come out to see me on stage once again. It has been a few years. You all know how much this means to me.
OH! And this is what I look like now, I am starving!
Sorry for ranting. I still have more to get out but I am going to break this apart with some fun pics from my trip to Austin last week. Oh and I didn't stay for the actual fest, I had to go back to work. I just stayed two days prior to the festival to hang out with my friends and find additional VHS tapes.
|Ted is still one of my favorite people on the planet. He's so funny, every time we hang out I have to fight the urge to pee.|
|AJ Bowen likes it in the butt|
|I honestly haven't seen Blow Job|
|Not for sale, GOD DAMNIT!|
|I don't have to edit photos. Red eye doesn't bother me.|
|Can you guess who took this photo?|
|Russ Meyer, hell yea!|
One last thing, sometimes girls just cannot get along. No matter how many years you have been friends. I am sad to see some of my favorite ladies fighting. These are women that mean the world to me but I have decided not to take sides. Men never ask anyone to take sides. An ex friend of mine recently threatened some of our 'friends' and made them throw away our friendship. Some said NO and some said yes. To those who said yes, I guess you were never my friend in the first place. To those who could see through all the lies and betrayal, it's nice to know that your brains and eye sight still function properly. After going through this once before, I have decided to stay friends with both parties. I know what it feels like to hear that someone just cannot mentally handle the fact that you may or may not have mutual friends. I now know what it's like to be one of those in the middle with both sides playing tug-a-war. There are two sides to every story. I know in a previous story, I heard like 98374689734896 different versions coming from one person who is addicted to pain killers so I cannot make out what was actually said and what was exaggerated. Either way, I am nobodies bitch nor am I anyone's "sidekick." It's obvious I am doing fine. I am too old for this. Figure it out for yourselves. That is all I have to say about that.
Closing with, SUPPORT THE LAGNIAPPE FILM AND MUSIC FESTIVAL! Last year we had a great turn out, this year we hope it's even bigger. I cannot wait to see the horror films you guys will be submitting and may the best man/woman win! I also have big announcements for WIHM that is too far away. See you guys at Comicon in Dallas! I didn't proof read this. My time is limited on this computer. My Macbook still undergoing surgery makes me so sad. I do not take medication for my anxiety. Writing all of those articles for misc websites and publications was the only thing keeping it at bay.