How to Piss Off Your Bartender

It occured to me that I have never written about my life as a bartender. For nearly ten years I have been behind the bar and I am not sorry. I have bartended at complete shit holes, metal clubs, country clubs (Golf not the music,) weddings, Christmas parties, and now a strip club. All the customers are the same. Bartending can be an exciting job but it has its ups and downs as there are so many customers lacking proper drinking etiquette.  After reading other bartender's complaints with tips on how NOT to act I felt the need to compile my own list.

First, everyone thinks bartending is an endless party. This is incorrect. While some establishments allow bartenders to drink off and on it's never okay for you to be drunk behind the bar. TABC officers could walk in any minute which could cost you your job and your liquor license on top of a lovely fine. There's also a chance that your drawer is short and you're not pouring correctly. I have worked with drunken bartenders and owners in the past. Bartending is like babysitting. You want everyone to have fun but try to keep them out of trouble. Now I will ease into a list of things that piss me and bartenders all over off.

1. No I do not have a phone charger.

2. "Surprise me." Be aware that I might make something that you will not like and you still have to pay for it.

3. Do not whistle to get my attention. I am not a dog. Do that and I may start to bark at you.

4. Do not ask disturbing questions like, "What color is your underwear?"

5. "Bring me a beer, bitch!" This is disrespectful and classless.

6. "I bet you get hit on all the time." What do you think? I get hit on when I go to the mall or even McDonalds. I never understood this argument. Only insecure men/women worry about that.

7. No I will not add you on facebook. I have reached the friend limit anyway. You can like my fan page though.

8. No one ever wants to go home. Some feel privileged enough to stay while we are closing up. Keep in mind that we have a mess to clean up and money to count and we WANT TO GO HOME!

9. Bars are loud. Please speak up but don't SCREAM in my face.

10. Do not interrupt or snap to get my attention. Someone is making a drink order. Wait your turn. This applies when I am trying to count as well.

11. What's with all the chewed up straws and torn coasters? We call these people hamsters.

12. Do not step behind the bar or block the bar entrance.  I don't want to dance around you every time I go to get ice or more beer.

13. Stop making out at the bar! So gross. Get a fucking room.

14. "I'll tip you when I leave." Sure you will.

15. "Have you seen Coyote Ugly?" Yes I have and that film is a very BAD example of bartending.

16. If we get into an argument do not back it up with "I have my TABC license" or "I'm a bartender too." I will just look at you like you're retarded because if that's true then you should know the rules and that you're breaking them. I follow TABC regulations unlike several bartenders that I worked with in the past. You are a disgrace and have no business behind a bar.

17. Don't tell me to smile. I smile all the time but if I'm not smiling it's not because I'm in a bad mood. It's because I'm busy and focused.

18. "I don't have enough for a tip. " If you do not have any money then you shouldn't be out drinking. Food is more important. 

19. "I know the owner." Shaking his or her hand once doesn't make you besties.

20. "Can you make a rum and coke?" Sometimes they will ask if we know how to make popular shots that circulate all the bars and clubs. If I didn't know how to make a drink then I wouldn't be behind the bar.

21. If you are too intoxicated to drive then call a cab or a friend. I will never speak to you again if you drive yourself home. Respect the other drivers on the road. Too many accidents as of late.

22. I'm not running your card 5 times. START A TAB!

23. Don't insult your bartender. Last night a drunk girl who I wouldn't serve kept calling me "pig tails" because I had my hair in pig tails. Original. Stay classy.

24. Do not complain about service on FB. Someone did this to me last year and TAGGED me in the post with several mean insults. That bartender may be having a rough night. I was very sick and hospitalized three times when this ass hole complained. He never complained at the bar about my service and he smiled the entire time. If you didn't like the way I poured your drink then you should have said something.  I would have apologized and given you your money back or made you another. This was completely uncalled for and immature. I just blocked the guy and went about my business. I'm sorry but when you are in and out of the hospital and barely able to make it through work cause no one will cover for you.... Your opinion of my bartending skills on that particular day means nothing to me. So guys keep in mind that bartenders DO have off days. We are not perfect 24/7.

25. "What's something good? Make me a drank." Narrow it down. I don't have time to play 21 questions with you and you're creating a traffic jam. Respect those around you who also want a "drank."

26. Do not tell me to "make it strong" or "hook you up." You can't expect me to give you free alcohol. You will get what you paid for, jack ass. Don't tell me my drinks are weak. Good managers keep track of our liquor and we have cameras around us watching us pour.

Last but not least, this job looks easier than it is. We are working 12 hours with no breaks. We set up our bar and clean up after your dirty ass. We are multi-taskers and we have to maintain a vast memory. That's not even the half of it.

Anywho, that's my quick list that took me forever to type up on my phone. Be good to your bartenders. Keep all these things in mind when you decide to paint the town red.

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