Movies We Love: Showgirls

"A young drifter, named Nomi, arrives in Las Vegas to become a dancer and soon sets about clawing and pushing her way to become the top of the Vegas showgirls."

Once upon a time, Showgirls held a record for the most Razzie nominations. Thirteen to be exact, taking home seven. I Know Who Killed Me would take it's place, followed by Jack and Jill. This NC-17 baddie may have flopped at the box office but we all still hold it dear in our perverted hearts. Even Quentin Tarantino has a soft spot for this erotic drama. This wasn't meant to be one of those "It's so bad it's good" flicks. Flopping wasn't a part of the plan. Dream team Joe Eszterhas and Paul Verhoeven were hoping for success after the epic Hollywood erotic thriller Basic Instinct. Millions of dollars were put into this production. So how did it fail? Kyle MachLachan, Gina Gershon, and Elizabeth "I'm Not a Whore" Berkley are all talented actors but their performances are ruined by a hideous script that desperately needs a make over. Screen writer Eszterhas didn't put a whole lot of effort into turning this into a masterpiece. The directing is the best thing this hot mess has going for it, along with the stage production and wardrobe department. Fortunately, Showgirls earned over $100 million in video rentals, which is one of the highest grossing. Hell, I remember my brother's renting this flick almost every week.

Prostitute turned stripper turned show girl, Nomi Malone, finds herself sharing a mobile home with a show girl seamstress in Las Vegas after running away from a whole bag of issues and crooked past. Nomi Malone is a character the audience equally hates and adores. It's okay not to like her back-stabbing road to fame but it's hard not to want her to succeed. Little is known about Nomi's dance education. We only know that she has the pelvic thrust talent that she likely picked up after a whole lot of fucking. Hooking and drugs controlled her life after the murder-suicide of her parents. She cannot pronounce Versace and she refuses to be called a whore or a stripper, even though that's exactly what she is. Nomi has a Masters in nail design and strongly opposes to icing her nipples - A tactic even models use before shooting.

I'm really not attracted to Elizabeth Berkley's look here.

Meet Cristal "I Quote Elvis Too Much" Connors. What we know about Cristal is that she's the star of the show, attracted to both boys and girls, and never eats brown rice and vegetables. She climbed her way up from Texas and abuses the word "Darlin." More importantly, she loves to taunt Nomi Malone. After eight years starring in the show, it's time for an aging Cristal Connors to leave the building.

Both actors are Jewish

Not only do Cristal and Nomi engage in a dance war, the two are constantly at each other's throats. There's no way this is going to end well. Nomi eventually tires of Cristal's jealousy cat games and pushes the bitch down the stairs. A star is born! Nomi shortly becomes the new star then it all falls apart with several ridiculous moments happening before she realizes, it's time to move on. There are so many scenes that cannot be described here. I mean, where else are you going to see naked girls and monkeys in the same room together?

Julie (far left) is the best dancer in the show. It's just too bad about her hair.

In closing, Showgirls is bedazzled campy fun, raining with bare tits. I like to think of it as the NC-17 version of All About Eve. With an NC-17 rating, there's a lot to see here. The actresses are practically topless the entire time and a fully nude Berkley and Machlachan perform the most ridiculous sex scene I have ever seen. You have to see it to believe it. 

Things This Movie Taught Me:

*Every boy in the world used it as beat off material. 

*Everybody in Las Vegas has AIDS and shit. 

*The dancing is pretty good but there's also a lot of thrusting and exaggeration which makes it sometimes painful to watch. I am not alone here, turns out. 

*If the seamstress is unnecessarily raped by a musician, the entertainment director will make everything okay by giving her her very own dress shop. 

*Children are allowed in the dressing room with dozens of naked women but profanity is bad for them. 

*Nomi Malone doesn't like to wear underwear.

*Having sex on your period is okay, as long as you have towels. 

Movies We Love: The Room

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think about The Room? Shit sandwich. It's shit but I love sandwiches. A shit sandwich smothered in erroneous portrayals, a heavenly slice of icky and substandard communication, a side of abandoned subplots, and the R&B slow jams squiring the sleazy coitus acts makes for a nice cool refreshment to help swallow it down. It has a strong cult following that attends the Midnight Showings in theaters all over the US, dressed as the characters from the film while throwing spoons at the screen and tossing a football around. Cartoon Network even aired the film on April Fools Day for years.

It has been said that Troll 2 is the best worst movie of all time. Honestly, I think both of these films carry that heavy torch. It's hard to choose which is better or worse. Both films were made on a serious note yet came out to be the most hilarious piece of shit film-making known to man. Give yourself a hand, Tommy Wiseau. The Room is this weeks selection for Shitty Movie Tuesday.

This is a long awaited review that people have been begging me to post for years. It took a while because I knew I had to see the film again before giving it a write up. I've seen a lot of clips and fan made videos here and there over the years but I didn't watch the film for the third time until last night. There seems to be a lot of love on the net as well. Check out this cool meme I came across earlier on Facebook.

Let me get this genius plot away before the fun begins; Johnny is a banker that gets screwed out of a promotion but that's okay because his girlfriend Lisa is loyal to him…. So he thought. Lisa begins shagging his best friend Mark on a regular basis. Lisa's mother has cancer. Lisa doesn't love Johnny. There's a subplot with a young retarded man named Denny who gets mixed up in drugs. But we never find out what happens with this part of the story. It's almost as if Tommy Wiseau forgot that was part of the story. A shit storm at a party ensues and the cards are off the table. Was that the worst synopsis you ever read? You'll forgive me after you see this shit sandwich. 

Supposedly this film had a 6 million dollar budget. That's several million more than most independent horror features that are some of the worst films known to man. One has to wonder where the money went.

Lets go over my four favorite scenes beginning with, "Oh, Hi Mark."  Johnny starts every conversation off with "Oh, hi." This is the best of conversations between Johnny and Mark. A raging Johnny walks up to the rooftop and rambles on, "I did not hit her, it's not true! It's bullshit! I did not hit her! I did NOT. Oh hi, Mark." What the…. how random. Apparently, Johnny and Mark are best friends. This is mentioned seven times. They seem to have many awkward conversations. In the middle of Johnny's 'confidential' work conversation, he randomly asks Mark, "Anyway, how is your sex life?" Mark doesn't have all the best lines in the film like Johnny but he does get to say, "Leave your stupid comments in your pocket." After a few more hilarious lines are thrown at a random pace, Mark tells a tragic story, "Yeah, man, you'll never know. People are very strange these days. I used to know a girl; she had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it... beat her up so bad she ended up at a hospital on Guerrero Street." For some reason, Johnny thinks this story is hilarious. He begins laughing and says, "What a story, Mark."




Scene two, the flower shop scene. Johnny walks into a flower shop and the clerk asks, "Can I help you?" Note, she doesn't recognize him at first. Johnny asks for a dozen red roses. She then says, "Oh, hi, Johnny. I didn't know it was you." You can see him clear as day when he walks into the shop but it takes her a few minutes to recognize him. Then rest of the scene is random dialogue thrown in… Just because? Johnny pays the clerk then is like, "Here you go. Keep the change." Without pausing he immediately says, "Hi, doggy," while petting a random dog that just happens to be sitting on the counter. This is followed by the clerk saying, "You're my favorite customer" without pausing yet again. I am also convinced that clerk is a dude.

Scene three, "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART LISA!" This seems to be one of the most quoted lines in the film. He screams about how he didn't hit her then pushed her down on the couch. Lisa asks, "Why are you so hysterical?" No shit. Lisa may be a wench but that's no reason to go around pushing girls and screaming at them.




Scene four, "CHIP CHIP CHIP." Last time I checked, chickens didn't say "CHIP." He does this twice.




So lets go over some of these plot holes like the mother having cancer. "I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer." Wiseau just decides to give this character cancer for no reason and never even brings the issue up again. Then there's the subplot with Denny. Denny is the weirdest character in the whole film and that's saying a lot considering how weird Johnny is. Wiseau claims his character is suppose to be mentally retarded which makes sense because at the beginning he jumps in the bed with Lisa and Johnny to pillow fight and say, "I just like to watch you guys." Creepy. Turns out, Denny has a problem with drugs and is almost killed by a drug dealer. The issue is not solved or brought to the table again.

Lisa is not only an ungrateful and unfaithful bitch. She's an airhead as well with lines like, "She's a stupid bitch. She wants to control my life. I'm not going to put up with that. I'm going to do what I want to do, and that's it. What do you think I should do?" Then there's the line about the promotion and asking Johnny if he wants her to order a pizza followed by, "I already ordered a pizza."

With all of these amazing quotes and the terrible filmmaking, one has to wonder if Tommy Wiseau is a genius. He said he made the film on a serious note. So there you have it. There's either something wrong with him or he is in fact.... A genius. You really want to know what it is that made The Room so amazing? Do you REALLY want to know? I will tell you. Are you ready?

Ancient Aliens.


Favorite Quotes:

"Love is blind."

Don't touch me, mother fucker."

"Anything for my princess!"

"I'm tired, I'm wasted…. I love you, darling!"

"Who are you calling a bitch?"
"You and your stupid mother."

Shitty Movie Tuesday: I Know Your Movie is Shitty

Not only am I going to progress forward with VHS Thursday, because it has a strong following, I am going to try on Shitty Movie Tuesdays. It's like trying on a new outfit. I know my fans enjoy VHS Thursday because it has such transcendent style and it accommodates my charismatic charm as well as morale......... And the shopping is fun. For all I know, people will look at Shitty Move Tuesday as a horrible outfit and ask, "Who the hell does that bitch think she is?" VHS Thursday, for the most part, exists on Wicked Channel. I only review VHS on here from now on if it's not horror. The majority of my Shitty Movie Tuesday posts will be on WC but I would like to introduce it on my blog first. I have carefully selected two shitty films to be my guinea pigs. 

After Scream did so well in the box office, Kevin Williamson thought he could bring this disastrous script to life and hope to attract the same viewers. I guess it worked but I remember it being pretty terrible. Popped it in a few days ago. Yep, I was right. Pretty terrible.

Why are there always four teenagers? Haven't we seen enough of this regurgitated cliche? Four extremely attractive teens run over some dude out in the middle of nowhere. They didn't think the police could possibly understand and risk their promising futures so they dump his body into a lake. A year later, the foursome receives messages from a mysterious individual that claims to 'Know what they did last Summer.' OMG NO WAY! Then they are terrorized by a man with a hook, rain slicker, and rubber hat.

The opening scene is promising as it pans over the dark sea with Type O Negative's "Summer Breeze" blasting. The film has a spectacular atmosphere. Sometimes I wonder had the motive been improved and the killer was anything but a fisherman, it would have worked for me. I just don't like fish. I don't like fish. I don't like fishing boats. I don't like rain slickers and I don't like hooks. Ghostface killer was much better if you ask me. As silly as that sounds. 

I have mixed feelings about the cast but one thing is for sure, I would bang all four of them. Of all of the typical foursome horror teens out there, I Know What You Did Last Summer has the hottest group of actors. It even has Bridgette Wilson. As for the others, I usually only find two or three of the cast members attractive. Jennifer Love Hewitt (Julie) has the whole girl next door look going for her but she is still incredibly beautiful with a great rack. I ADORE the living shit out of Sarah Michelle Gellar and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I am such a huge Buffy nerd. Maybe it's because I dig her look. Maybe it's because she was amazing in Cruel Intentions. All I know is, I am a huge fan. SMG plays the hotter, superficial best friend of Julie. Her name is Helen and she is a beauty queen. *Insert Honey BooBoo voice* She wins Miss Croaker. Too bad her dreams to become an actress in New York City fall short and she's back home working with her bitch sister Elsa. Helen's boyfriend, Barry (Ryan Phillipe,) is the hottest actor in this film. He is also the biggest dick and deserves to die. Not a believable football star. Then we have Ray, played by Freddie Prinze Jr. Whatever happened to Freddie Prinze Jr? I remember this movie and She's All That. My memory of him fades. He is married to SMG so I do not think he is hurting either way. 

Look out for performances by Anne Heche and Johnny Galecki. You know, David from Roseanne. You also maybe remember seeing him in that terrible sit-com Big Bang Theory.

Remaining Thoughts: This doesn't make any sense. Why would the killer just 'pretend' to be dead after hearing that they were about to dump his body? Why not jump up and be like, "Hey, I AM ALIVE! DON'T DISPOSE OF MY BODY!" Nonsense. There is no comedic relief in this movie. Where are all the fun jokes? When JLH is screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?" I laughed.... Hard. There's your comedic relief. Gets me every time and since when the fuck does blue match with brown? I don't think so....

Oh look, another fruitless I KNOW title. At least I Know What You Did Last Summer had Kevin Williamson's name attached and hit theaters immediately after the Scream craze. I Know Who Killed Me was just too little, too late. As much as I adore Lindsay Lohan and strippers, this excrement just didn't do anything for me. Maybe, had the film showed her breasts and provided a better soundtrack, I would let it slide but it happens to have one of the worst soundtracks I have ever heard.

On a positive note, the film did have a very imaginative use of colors blue and red. Did I ever tell you my favorite color is blue?

Lindsay Lohan plays a set of twins who have no idea they're twins. Dakota is an erotic dancer and Aubrey is a school girl with rich parents. While Aubrey is abducted and tortured for days, Dakota is mistaken for her as her limbs begin to rot off. It really is an interesting concept. So why didn't it do so well? Maybe it was on account of Chris Siverton's shitty, amateur directing. Maybe it was the piss poor script. If you pay close attention to the movie, there are several mistakes. For one, they sure did hire an aggressive boom mic operator. What's the deal, happy meal?

Lohan was the only one who knew how to act in this shitty, shitty movie. I cannot even remember the rest of the cast and their forgettable performances. I Know Who Killed Me held the record for "Most Razzies" until Jack and Jill came along. Lohan won the Best Actress award. Others received were; Worst Picture, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, Worst Screen Couple, Worst Remake or Rip-off, and Worst Excuse for a Horror Film.  

Lets be honest, this isn't the worst film ever made nor does it even cut anywhere close. I could name several films that are far worse. It's still not all that good. 



"Do I look like I am in a fucking coma?" -Dakota