Movies We Love: Showgirls

"A young drifter, named Nomi, arrives in Las Vegas to become a dancer and soon sets about clawing and pushing her way to become the top of the Vegas showgirls."

Once upon a time, Showgirls held a record for the most Razzie nominations. Thirteen to be exact, taking home seven. I Know Who Killed Me would take it's place, followed by Jack and Jill. This NC-17 baddie may have flopped at the box office but we all still hold it dear in our perverted hearts. Even Quentin Tarantino has a soft spot for this erotic drama. This wasn't meant to be one of those "It's so bad it's good" flicks. Flopping wasn't a part of the plan. Dream team Joe Eszterhas and Paul Verhoeven were hoping for success after the epic Hollywood erotic thriller Basic Instinct. Millions of dollars were put into this production. So how did it fail? Kyle MachLachan, Gina Gershon, and Elizabeth "I'm Not a Whore" Berkley are all talented actors but their performances are ruined by a hideous script that desperately needs a make over. Screen writer Eszterhas didn't put a whole lot of effort into turning this into a masterpiece. The directing is the best thing this hot mess has going for it, along with the stage production and wardrobe department. Fortunately, Showgirls earned over $100 million in video rentals, which is one of the highest grossing. Hell, I remember my brother's renting this flick almost every week.

Prostitute turned stripper turned show girl, Nomi Malone, finds herself sharing a mobile home with a show girl seamstress in Las Vegas after running away from a whole bag of issues and crooked past. Nomi Malone is a character the audience equally hates and adores. It's okay not to like her back-stabbing road to fame but it's hard not to want her to succeed. Little is known about Nomi's dance education. We only know that she has the pelvic thrust talent that she likely picked up after a whole lot of fucking. Hooking and drugs controlled her life after the murder-suicide of her parents. She cannot pronounce Versace and she refuses to be called a whore or a stripper, even though that's exactly what she is. Nomi has a Masters in nail design and strongly opposes to icing her nipples - A tactic even models use before shooting.

I'm really not attracted to Elizabeth Berkley's look here.

Meet Cristal "I Quote Elvis Too Much" Connors. What we know about Cristal is that she's the star of the show, attracted to both boys and girls, and never eats brown rice and vegetables. She climbed her way up from Texas and abuses the word "Darlin." More importantly, she loves to taunt Nomi Malone. After eight years starring in the show, it's time for an aging Cristal Connors to leave the building.

Both actors are Jewish

Not only do Cristal and Nomi engage in a dance war, the two are constantly at each other's throats. There's no way this is going to end well. Nomi eventually tires of Cristal's jealousy cat games and pushes the bitch down the stairs. A star is born! Nomi shortly becomes the new star then it all falls apart with several ridiculous moments happening before she realizes, it's time to move on. There are so many scenes that cannot be described here. I mean, where else are you going to see naked girls and monkeys in the same room together?

Julie (far left) is the best dancer in the show. It's just too bad about her hair.

In closing, Showgirls is bedazzled campy fun, raining with bare tits. I like to think of it as the NC-17 version of All About Eve. With an NC-17 rating, there's a lot to see here. The actresses are practically topless the entire time and a fully nude Berkley and Machlachan perform the most ridiculous sex scene I have ever seen. You have to see it to believe it. 

Things This Movie Taught Me:

*Every boy in the world used it as beat off material. 

*Everybody in Las Vegas has AIDS and shit. 

*The dancing is pretty good but there's also a lot of thrusting and exaggeration which makes it sometimes painful to watch. I am not alone here, turns out. 

*If the seamstress is unnecessarily raped by a musician, the entertainment director will make everything okay by giving her her very own dress shop. 

*Children are allowed in the dressing room with dozens of naked women but profanity is bad for them. 

*Nomi Malone doesn't like to wear underwear.

*Having sex on your period is okay, as long as you have towels. 

Movies We Love: Troop Beverly Hills

There's something painstakingly endearing about the Beverly Hills Wilderness troop leader Phyllis Nefler. Maybe it's her willingness to aid these adolescent felines in desperate need of a den mother and role model. You may be asking yourself, "How is this abominably dressed, shoulder pad wearing, spoon fed broad a role model for young girls? Even I, another fashion victim, strongly disapprove of her outfits and demeanor. Before I break down the characteristics of this alarming troop leader with pink nails, let's take a look at her wardrobe....

Nefler has a never ending collection of embarrassing big hats.

Kill it! Kill it!

She even transforms her wilderness get up into this.

This one makes me hungry for cupcakes.

Again with the shoulder pads.

Even those poor children are subjected to bad fashion.

Phyllis Nefler may be all those things. She even abuses bottled water. However, resentful Phyllis is going through a bitter divorce with The  Muffler Man. The only way she knows how to manage her personal travesties is to parade around Rodeo Drive, spending as much money as possible and why shouldn't she? After all, she coupon clipped The Muffler Man's way through law school all so he could make those terrible Muffler Man commercials.

Now Phyllis has been given the difficult task of teaching eight spoiled brats how to 'rough it' in Beverly Hills. The evil and manly Velda Plendor aka The Real Wilderness Girl is out to toss Nefler on her butt because 'real' wilderness girls do not roast marshmallows at The Beverly Hills Hotel. Real wilderness girls do not have fondue or wear expensive fur coats in the wild. Or maybe she is simply crippled by jealousy. We cannot dismiss those bull shit patches; The Jewellery Patch, The Gardening Patch, and The Trick R Treating With Glamour Patch. Thankfully, these kind hearted girls agree to throw their patches away while Nefler's minority maid says, "Patches. We don't need no stinking patches."

Velda makes it her life's mission to frost Nefler's cookies. Her Red Feathered brats even invade TBH turf to sell cookies. Those bitches. Lead Red Feather, Cleo, is villain Velda's equally unattractive and mean spirited daughter. Bless her heart. The Red Feathers constantly cheat, torment, and publicly humiliate TBH after they model their 'wilderness craft,' a back pack that pops open with ridiculous outfits on hangers. Just because they're in the wilderness, it's no excuse not to look their best. Let's be honest here, we would all be on our knees in tears from laughter in result of this 'craft.'

Troop Beverly Hills sends a positive message pumping through our children's veins. Money does not buy happiness. Money does not buy friends. These girls learn to work together as a team. There's no gossiping or bullying. When Chica's parents forget her birthday, the girls don't dance around singing, "Your mommy doesn't love you!" Instead, they bake her a cake and perform a birthday song. When Emily doesn't have enough money for patches because her failed actor of a father is out of work, another girl steps in with some extra cash and never speaks a word of it. These girls even take care of fallen Red Feather den mother Velda by dragging her big ass across the finish line with a broken ankle, instead of leaving her behind. TBH is out to prove that they are wilderness girls and they want to be taken seriously.

This isn't your ordinary chick flick circling a 'real housewife' whoring out bad 80s fashion. It's a fun family flick that teaches positive values and morals. There's no sex talk although there are curse words here and there, "Oh shit. I broke a nail."

Finally, the film is fully equipped with a stellar cast. Cheers actor Shelley Long made several notable comedies from the late 80s and early 90s but TBH will always stand out as some of her best work. Alongside Long we have pretend estranged husband Craig T. Nelson, known for Coach and Poltergeist. Karen Kopins from Once Bitten makes a few appearances and the young ladies in the troop are those who really stand out; Tori Spelling, Carla Gugino, Kellie Martin, and Jenny Lewis. There are also several surprise cameos; Robin Leach, Cheech Marin, and Pia Zadora to name a few. 

Movies We Love: Roller Boogie

This edition of "Movies I Love" takes a trip down disco roller skating lane, yes there is such a thing. This sparkling exploitation feature stays true to the heart of Venice Beach roller skaters. It's practically a documentary with better looking teenagers, colorful outfits, and Linda Blair's bodacious curves. Roller skating is truly a lost art that only roller derby girls like me try to keep alive. Speaking of the sport, roller derby is mentioned in the film as the owner of the skating rink was the best jammer in his day. Hence the name "Jammer."

On with the absolutely, mind-numbingly stupid plot: Terry (Linda Blair) is a rich young girl with a passion for WAIT FOR IT..... roller skating. She also plays the flute and has a scholarship to Julliard. Her pill popping mother and lawyer daddy spend an awful lot of time ignoring her and her rebellious actions as she takes off in their expensive cars and occasionally runs away. "I thought I'd go down to the beach and commit suicide." The mother isn't impressed, "That's nice dear."

Any way, Terry and her friend (Kimberly Beck) hit up the boardwalk one sunny day where they meet a skate rental shop employee named Bobby (Jim Bray) who has a major boner for Linda Blair's gigantic tata's. Bobby is quite the ladies man but he is having a hard time sealing the deal with this rich chick. "Why is this babe not digging my charm?" I don't know Bobby. Maybe it's the suspenders. Bobby is the best skater in all of Venice Beach so Terry decides to pay him $10 an hour to improve her shitty skating skills. Makes me wonder how well Blair can actually skate and how many hours were spent in the editing room, switching out with her stunt double. The two have an off and on again affair with more quarrels than the average romance comedy. This broad is obviously bipolar and cannot seem to make up her mind, "Do you have a mental problem or something? First you want to skate then you don't want to skate." Poor Bobby. In between fights he decides a little solo skating to pseudo-intellectual power ballads therapy is in order. What a cheesefest. It seems that Terry has two love choices. There's Bobby and then there's Franklin, the rich handsy douche bag that practically tries to rape her. She could also go for this muskrat but ultimately chooses Bobby after they win the roller boogie competition.

Nice yellow shorts. Meanwhile, with this lucrative plot going on we reach the unpleasant and over-the-top sub-plot. Jammer is harassed by the mob as they want to shut the roller rink down. So he gets shmammered then announces to the roller skaters that he's shutting down the rink. LUCKILY, our token black guy named "Phones" recorded the startling conversation between Jammer and the mob so Terry gets her lawyer daddy involved. There's an overly dramatic pool party crashing that results in the upper class falling into the pool by 'accident.' *Face in palm* Lets face it, the plot is borderline retarded. I just watch it for the skating.

At the end of the day, Roller Boogie is no worse than beach party films like 'Where the Boys Are." Were they trying to cash in on Saturday Night Fever's success? That's pretty obvious. "I got it! Lets put them on roller skates!" Clever. The opening is really neat with skate tuning and cleansing. There's some groovy music, some by Cher. I assume I don't have to go through the trouble of telling you how poor the script is. the acting wasn't all that terrible though. Roller Boogie would be a lot cooler with guns. This just so happens to be directed by one of my favorite directors, Mark L. Lester. Also responsible for Class of 1984, Commando, and Firestarter.

Movies We Love: Less Than Zero

People are afraid to merge.

Once a junkie, always a junkie. A part of me has always felt sad for Robert Downey Jr's character Julian, who had the world on a platter until he began performing fellatio for drugs while his only friends willing to give him a chance for redemption (Andrew McCarthy and Jamie Gertz) go on a wild goose chase in hopes that it will not be too late. Meanwhile, Clay (McCarthy) is battling his own demons with his unfaithful girlfriend Blair (Gertz) who also has a drug problem and family issues.

Less Than Zero teaches its viewers two valuable lessons. You cannot trust anyone and…… Cocaine is one hell of a drug. The other part of me has no pity for Downey's character Julian. I have had to deal with friends, family, and lovers who had drugs problems in the past and it's no fucking picnic. They will take all of your money, push all of your friends away, disobey your trust, and perform the most bizarre, paranoid behavior that not even Dr. Drew can come to terms with. Pills especially, will turn people into monsters that go out of their way to say cruel things they don't even mean because the come down is unbearable. They made their choice, now is the time to accept responsibility for your own retarded actions.

What's silly is that Downey's portrayal of Julian mirrored his real life and would you believe it.... The man turned his fucking life around and is one of the hottest and highest paid actors in Hollywood.

The most electrifying essential feature in the film is the GORGEOUS visual beauty of the sets and cinematography. California wealth is illustrated in bright technicolor perfectly. It's almost unbelievable. The azusa blue swimming pools, glamorous Christmas parties with a million television sets on deck, fancy cars, everyone looking like a fashion model - All of this supported by a fantastic soundtrack with artists like; The Bangles, Poison, Aerosmith, Slayer, Joan Jett, Public Enemy, LL Cool J, Danzig, Roy Orbison, Run-D.M.C. David Lee Roth, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Cult, The Doors, and Jimi Hendrix. That's one mighty fine variety.

The acting performances between McCarthy, Gertz, and Downey are pretty standard for your typical 80s drama. I do enjoy seeing familiar faces from the Brat-Pack. Downey isn't a member of the Brat-Pack from this time (technically he is) but there's no doubting that he's the most talented actor in this film. His heart-gripping performance almost brings viewers to tears. Along with the star trio, we have one of the many loves of my life, James Spader. Most of you who either know me in real life or keep up with this blog and articles for various websites can tell that I have been a massive Spader fan since Pretty in Pink. It's just like me to fall for the bad boys. There are also cameos by "Heather's" Lisanne Falk that tries to down a bottle of pills and Michael Bowen from Valley Girls and Kill Bill, "My name is Buck and I'm here to fuck." Ugh, serious douche chills. According to IMDB, Brad Pitt was paid $38 for his uncredited appearance and Keanu Reeves was initially cast as Clay Easton. Interesting.

The final 30-minutes of the film is quite depressing and ultimately, the same result as many cocaine users whose lives have spun out of control. The actors did a good job helping us to feel the tension between the main characters. Julian has nowhere to go. His family has cut him off and he has this crazy drug dealer Rip (Spader) after him and prostituting him out to settle old debts. Clay (McCarthy)  really cares about his best friend, even though he fucked his girl, and he will do anything to get him out of this situation. He tries speaking to Rip but Rip is all, "Who the fuck do you think you are talking to pal?" With that horrible slicked-back 'do' and gigantic cellphone in a hot tub. These people went to high school together, including Rip. They're barely into their 20s and they're already prostituting their own friends over cocaine debts. It's just nonsensical madness. Then there's Blair who seems to have some family drama with her father and his new bitch. This is never really explained into detail in the film but the tension is pretty obvious, especially when Blair's father's lady comes out of the bedroom with that 'fresh fucked' hair and make-up and her daddy's shirt. Blair decided not to go off to college. Instead, she thought it would be a good idea to become a model and form a cocaine habit. Clay still has feelings for Blair. Throughout all the chaos of Christmas, he plans to take Blair and Julian back to school with him. While Julian has made it clear that he is "Not ready for homework," Blair seems to be for this idea to get their lives on the right track. I will not spoil the ending for you here but let me just say, it's not good.

The film is actually based on Bret Easton Ellis's nihilistic novel with the same title. The film stays true to the book, for the most part but doesn't provide the coldness in all of our characters, including Clay. The novel is far more depressing than the film.

Movies We Love: The Room

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think about The Room? Shit sandwich. It's shit but I love sandwiches. A shit sandwich smothered in erroneous portrayals, a heavenly slice of icky and substandard communication, a side of abandoned subplots, and the R&B slow jams squiring the sleazy coitus acts makes for a nice cool refreshment to help swallow it down. It has a strong cult following that attends the Midnight Showings in theaters all over the US, dressed as the characters from the film while throwing spoons at the screen and tossing a football around. Cartoon Network even aired the film on April Fools Day for years.

It has been said that Troll 2 is the best worst movie of all time. Honestly, I think both of these films carry that heavy torch. It's hard to choose which is better or worse. Both films were made on a serious note yet came out to be the most hilarious piece of shit film-making known to man. Give yourself a hand, Tommy Wiseau. The Room is this weeks selection for Shitty Movie Tuesday.

This is a long awaited review that people have been begging me to post for years. It took a while because I knew I had to see the film again before giving it a write up. I've seen a lot of clips and fan made videos here and there over the years but I didn't watch the film for the third time until last night. There seems to be a lot of love on the net as well. Check out this cool meme I came across earlier on Facebook.

Let me get this genius plot away before the fun begins; Johnny is a banker that gets screwed out of a promotion but that's okay because his girlfriend Lisa is loyal to him…. So he thought. Lisa begins shagging his best friend Mark on a regular basis. Lisa's mother has cancer. Lisa doesn't love Johnny. There's a subplot with a young retarded man named Denny who gets mixed up in drugs. But we never find out what happens with this part of the story. It's almost as if Tommy Wiseau forgot that was part of the story. A shit storm at a party ensues and the cards are off the table. Was that the worst synopsis you ever read? You'll forgive me after you see this shit sandwich. 

Supposedly this film had a 6 million dollar budget. That's several million more than most independent horror features that are some of the worst films known to man. One has to wonder where the money went.

Lets go over my four favorite scenes beginning with, "Oh, Hi Mark."  Johnny starts every conversation off with "Oh, hi." This is the best of conversations between Johnny and Mark. A raging Johnny walks up to the rooftop and rambles on, "I did not hit her, it's not true! It's bullshit! I did not hit her! I did NOT. Oh hi, Mark." What the…. how random. Apparently, Johnny and Mark are best friends. This is mentioned seven times. They seem to have many awkward conversations. In the middle of Johnny's 'confidential' work conversation, he randomly asks Mark, "Anyway, how is your sex life?" Mark doesn't have all the best lines in the film like Johnny but he does get to say, "Leave your stupid comments in your pocket." After a few more hilarious lines are thrown at a random pace, Mark tells a tragic story, "Yeah, man, you'll never know. People are very strange these days. I used to know a girl; she had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it... beat her up so bad she ended up at a hospital on Guerrero Street." For some reason, Johnny thinks this story is hilarious. He begins laughing and says, "What a story, Mark."




Scene two, the flower shop scene. Johnny walks into a flower shop and the clerk asks, "Can I help you?" Note, she doesn't recognize him at first. Johnny asks for a dozen red roses. She then says, "Oh, hi, Johnny. I didn't know it was you." You can see him clear as day when he walks into the shop but it takes her a few minutes to recognize him. Then rest of the scene is random dialogue thrown in… Just because? Johnny pays the clerk then is like, "Here you go. Keep the change." Without pausing he immediately says, "Hi, doggy," while petting a random dog that just happens to be sitting on the counter. This is followed by the clerk saying, "You're my favorite customer" without pausing yet again. I am also convinced that clerk is a dude.

Scene three, "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART LISA!" This seems to be one of the most quoted lines in the film. He screams about how he didn't hit her then pushed her down on the couch. Lisa asks, "Why are you so hysterical?" No shit. Lisa may be a wench but that's no reason to go around pushing girls and screaming at them.




Scene four, "CHIP CHIP CHIP." Last time I checked, chickens didn't say "CHIP." He does this twice.




So lets go over some of these plot holes like the mother having cancer. "I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer." Wiseau just decides to give this character cancer for no reason and never even brings the issue up again. Then there's the subplot with Denny. Denny is the weirdest character in the whole film and that's saying a lot considering how weird Johnny is. Wiseau claims his character is suppose to be mentally retarded which makes sense because at the beginning he jumps in the bed with Lisa and Johnny to pillow fight and say, "I just like to watch you guys." Creepy. Turns out, Denny has a problem with drugs and is almost killed by a drug dealer. The issue is not solved or brought to the table again.

Lisa is not only an ungrateful and unfaithful bitch. She's an airhead as well with lines like, "She's a stupid bitch. She wants to control my life. I'm not going to put up with that. I'm going to do what I want to do, and that's it. What do you think I should do?" Then there's the line about the promotion and asking Johnny if he wants her to order a pizza followed by, "I already ordered a pizza."

With all of these amazing quotes and the terrible filmmaking, one has to wonder if Tommy Wiseau is a genius. He said he made the film on a serious note. So there you have it. There's either something wrong with him or he is in fact.... A genius. You really want to know what it is that made The Room so amazing? Do you REALLY want to know? I will tell you. Are you ready?

Ancient Aliens.


Favorite Quotes:

"Love is blind."

Don't touch me, mother fucker."

"Anything for my princess!"

"I'm tired, I'm wasted…. I love you, darling!"

"Who are you calling a bitch?"
"You and your stupid mother."

Shitty Movie Tuesday: I Know Your Movie is Shitty

Not only am I going to progress forward with VHS Thursday, because it has a strong following, I am going to try on Shitty Movie Tuesdays. It's like trying on a new outfit. I know my fans enjoy VHS Thursday because it has such transcendent style and it accommodates my charismatic charm as well as morale......... And the shopping is fun. For all I know, people will look at Shitty Move Tuesday as a horrible outfit and ask, "Who the hell does that bitch think she is?" VHS Thursday, for the most part, exists on Wicked Channel. I only review VHS on here from now on if it's not horror. The majority of my Shitty Movie Tuesday posts will be on WC but I would like to introduce it on my blog first. I have carefully selected two shitty films to be my guinea pigs. 

After Scream did so well in the box office, Kevin Williamson thought he could bring this disastrous script to life and hope to attract the same viewers. I guess it worked but I remember it being pretty terrible. Popped it in a few days ago. Yep, I was right. Pretty terrible.

Why are there always four teenagers? Haven't we seen enough of this regurgitated cliche? Four extremely attractive teens run over some dude out in the middle of nowhere. They didn't think the police could possibly understand and risk their promising futures so they dump his body into a lake. A year later, the foursome receives messages from a mysterious individual that claims to 'Know what they did last Summer.' OMG NO WAY! Then they are terrorized by a man with a hook, rain slicker, and rubber hat.

The opening scene is promising as it pans over the dark sea with Type O Negative's "Summer Breeze" blasting. The film has a spectacular atmosphere. Sometimes I wonder had the motive been improved and the killer was anything but a fisherman, it would have worked for me. I just don't like fish. I don't like fish. I don't like fishing boats. I don't like rain slickers and I don't like hooks. Ghostface killer was much better if you ask me. As silly as that sounds. 

I have mixed feelings about the cast but one thing is for sure, I would bang all four of them. Of all of the typical foursome horror teens out there, I Know What You Did Last Summer has the hottest group of actors. It even has Bridgette Wilson. As for the others, I usually only find two or three of the cast members attractive. Jennifer Love Hewitt (Julie) has the whole girl next door look going for her but she is still incredibly beautiful with a great rack. I ADORE the living shit out of Sarah Michelle Gellar and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I am such a huge Buffy nerd. Maybe it's because I dig her look. Maybe it's because she was amazing in Cruel Intentions. All I know is, I am a huge fan. SMG plays the hotter, superficial best friend of Julie. Her name is Helen and she is a beauty queen. *Insert Honey BooBoo voice* She wins Miss Croaker. Too bad her dreams to become an actress in New York City fall short and she's back home working with her bitch sister Elsa. Helen's boyfriend, Barry (Ryan Phillipe,) is the hottest actor in this film. He is also the biggest dick and deserves to die. Not a believable football star. Then we have Ray, played by Freddie Prinze Jr. Whatever happened to Freddie Prinze Jr? I remember this movie and She's All That. My memory of him fades. He is married to SMG so I do not think he is hurting either way. 

Look out for performances by Anne Heche and Johnny Galecki. You know, David from Roseanne. You also maybe remember seeing him in that terrible sit-com Big Bang Theory.

Remaining Thoughts: This doesn't make any sense. Why would the killer just 'pretend' to be dead after hearing that they were about to dump his body? Why not jump up and be like, "Hey, I AM ALIVE! DON'T DISPOSE OF MY BODY!" Nonsense. There is no comedic relief in this movie. Where are all the fun jokes? When JLH is screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?" I laughed.... Hard. There's your comedic relief. Gets me every time and since when the fuck does blue match with brown? I don't think so....

Oh look, another fruitless I KNOW title. At least I Know What You Did Last Summer had Kevin Williamson's name attached and hit theaters immediately after the Scream craze. I Know Who Killed Me was just too little, too late. As much as I adore Lindsay Lohan and strippers, this excrement just didn't do anything for me. Maybe, had the film showed her breasts and provided a better soundtrack, I would let it slide but it happens to have one of the worst soundtracks I have ever heard.

On a positive note, the film did have a very imaginative use of colors blue and red. Did I ever tell you my favorite color is blue?

Lindsay Lohan plays a set of twins who have no idea they're twins. Dakota is an erotic dancer and Aubrey is a school girl with rich parents. While Aubrey is abducted and tortured for days, Dakota is mistaken for her as her limbs begin to rot off. It really is an interesting concept. So why didn't it do so well? Maybe it was on account of Chris Siverton's shitty, amateur directing. Maybe it was the piss poor script. If you pay close attention to the movie, there are several mistakes. For one, they sure did hire an aggressive boom mic operator. What's the deal, happy meal?

Lohan was the only one who knew how to act in this shitty, shitty movie. I cannot even remember the rest of the cast and their forgettable performances. I Know Who Killed Me held the record for "Most Razzies" until Jack and Jill came along. Lohan won the Best Actress award. Others received were; Worst Picture, Worst Director, Worst Screenplay, Worst Screen Couple, Worst Remake or Rip-off, and Worst Excuse for a Horror Film.  

Lets be honest, this isn't the worst film ever made nor does it even cut anywhere close. I could name several films that are far worse. It's still not all that good. 



"Do I look like I am in a fucking coma?" -Dakota

Magic Mike

Intermittently, I fancy posting jocose reviews on my blog that are not acceptable on any of the horror sites I write for. Those colorful and groovy enough to make the cut on Your Friendly Neighborhood Jewish Girl are few and far between. This time around, it's Magic Mike's turn. Before I anatomize the magical world of perspiring, penis rocking heartthrobs and what the protagonists desire out of life.... I want to share a point that Roger Ebert previously made, "Making money by allowing people to push cash into your g-string is, I think we can agree demeaning." For the most part, I agree with this notion. It's not like modeling naked or making 'art.' It's basically like saying, "Hey, you can touch my body if you tip me two dollars." Don't get me wrong. I don't have anything against strippers and I love to see films that depict the lives of people who sell themselves for money. But I do believe there are pros and cons for the job.

I see Magic Mike and Flash Dance and think, "These human beings can actually dance and these are well choreographed numbers." Then there are actual strippers I go to see, mostly female, and their numbers and costumes are completely unoriginal and distasteful. I would much rather go to a strip club where there's a lot of thought and hard work put into their performance rather than a girl in a repetitious bikini who grinds up and down a pole. Show some talent! If you're going to become an erotic dancer, at least learn how to dance. That's just what I want out of strippers though. I realize most only care about naked bodies and a good time.

Then there's the argument of who it exploits more, men or women? Before you get all, "OMG men and women are equals!" Let me just stop you right there Sally. I do believe we are equals and it shouldn't make a difference if it's male or female on stage but to US as HUMAN BEINGS in our mindset, it totally does. When men go to see a female stripper and tip her while she gives them a lap dance, they automatically think about having sex with them. Sex is all they think about, after all, they were made that way. Whereas women that go to a male strip club are often only there for the fun and entertainment before going home to their husbands. 

Right then, on with the review! Magic Mike is parallel to Flashdance in many ways. Not only because of the choreography but because it's all about the protagonist's journey to finding themselves. Then there's the whole 'construction worker by day and stripper by night' facade that ties the two together. While the ambition-less 19-year-old Adam is finally making something out of his life by stripping and getting a life supply of vagina and Ecstasy, the 30-year-old Mike is gradually going downhill and wanting more out of life than stripping and close encounters of the herpes from random young ladies. After taking Adam under his wing, he begins to fall for his extremely stale sister. He has goals as well. For instance, he desperately wants his own furniture store and he has been saving all of his earnings for six years. Magic Mike starts off with plenty of glitz and glam and partying till dawn then the film quickly down spirals. My biggest complaint is that the film is certainly long enough but not enough information is shared and the film ends so abruptly... I blinked and the ending credits rolled.

There are numerous comedic moments throughout the film. For instance, Big Dick Rich with that penis pump and his facial expression. How random and comical. Then later on he is flipping a larger girl on stage and throws out his back. He shakes his head and staggers off stage, leaving the woman alone on stage feeling embarrassed. Lastly, we have the awkward scene where Matthew McConaughey tries to teach Adam how to shake dance. He even gets right behind him with his balls rocking up against his behind. Well, his work out pants were pretty tight so I doubt they were knocking but you get the picture. I could tell my boyfriend was extremely uncomfortable watching this. Not that he has a disliking towards gay people, he was just uncomfortable and the men in the film were straight. The scene reminded of Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze is trying to teach Baby how to dance. Only this time, it's two straight dudes.... Hot dudes. 

As far as the acting goes, I believe it's one of Matthew McConaughey's best performances. I wished Joe Manganiello had more lines and performances in the film. He is a fine actor that I know from True Blood as a were wolf. At least he was given the informal title Big Dick Rich. Channing Tatum did a remarkable job acting wise and I never expected that in a million years. I am not a huge fan of his previous work. Apparently, he is a former stripper so he knew what he was doing. I agree. As I said on my Facebook page, he can ride my pony all he likes. Nice. Alex Pettyfer was alright. I kept getting the feeling that his character Adam was dirty and his overall performance was good but did nothing special for me. I also do not care for the cross tattoo on his chest but he gave a good Arnold impression, didn't he? The worst performance in the entire film, and I am not alone here, was Cody Horn. Her performance was so stiff. For instance, in a dramatic scene where she is yelling at Mike, "No… Mike!" I hated her character right away because her mouth naturally sets to a frown in just about every scene. Observe her facial expressions down below and tell me you disagree.

Overall, Magic Mike is fun and entertaining. I was pleased with the directing by Steven Soderbergh, who brought us Erin Brockovich and the remake of Oceans Eleven but I could not understand why there was such a strong yellow tone during the film. When I think Florida, I do not think 'yellow.' As for the screenplay by Reid Carolin, I am not a fan and I will leave it at that.

It has been a while since I've done this but I am about to make fun of IMDB posts from the fans/naysayers:

Total Snoozefest
So you're a straight male. That doesn't mean it was a snoozefest for the rest of us. Pipe down Chachi.

The Ending Sucks
In a way I agree. It feels incomplete and unsatisfying but life is so uncertain. I think they ended it this way because of the uncertainty. Plus, there is going to be a sequel.

Alex Pettyfer Looks Like He Smells
I agree. 

Wait, Women Actually Find These Shows Titillating?
They wouldn't be around if they didn't.

Cody Horn Ruined This Movie
I couldn't agree more except I still enjoy the film. 

Where Are All the Gay Guys?
Who cares? Not all male dancers are gay. Most female strippers are straight. Sounds like you have a problem with straight people.

Gayest Movie Ever?
You obviously haven't seen Lord of the Rings or Cats and Dogs part II.

I Didn't See Any Point to This Movie
It's about male strippers and the two main characters. Mike's downfall and Adam's rising. DURR HURR.



Why No Black Guy?
I think you mean "Why is there no black guy" and who cares?

NO STORY, NO CLIMAX, NO ACTING!
See the plot description and you will see the story. The climax is pretty obvious. I agree with the acting, only for Cody Horn. Disagree with the rest being bad actors.

How Come the Movie Showgirls Only Had White Strippers?
Why don't you ask on the Showgirls page? First of all, there are two very attractive black women in Showgirls. One is the main characters best friend and the other is a very talented show girl who actually gets pushed down the stairs because she is so good. She was the understudy as well. There was also a black male dancer in the film but he wasn't a stripper. He WAS however extremely unattractive with bad BAD hair. Second, how dare you call the filmmakers racist. There was clearly a Latino man and another is Sicilian. Grow a dick.

Thanks for reading. See you next time :)

Rock N Roll High School Forever

Last week's VHS picks for Wicked Channel included Rock N Roll High School Forever and since it isn't horror, I decided to keep my thoughts about the film on here. I am already aware that most of you think it's pretty horrific so you might as well call it a horror film. I disagree. It really isn't THAT bad. At least, it isn't lousy. Say what you will about this cheese factory but it was one of the most rented VHS from my brothers and I at our local video store. Blockbusters didn't even have a copy. It was one of those super-fantastic Mom and Pop video stores that I am always talking about. It may not be a classic like the original Rock N Roll High School with PJ Soles and The Ramones but it's still a lot of fun and I cherish my copy.

Due to Corey Feldman's drug problems in the early 90s, it went straight to video without a theatrical release. Feldman takes the lead as the hottest guy in school who is the lead singer of the band The Eradicators and he dresses like Michael Jackson. His band mates are probably the coolest kids in school. Stella, the sole female, is actually a very attractive lady that gets picked on for being 'weirder' than the ugly popular girls with moles, Margaret and Whitney. Their boyfriends, Bob and Donovan, are a couple of pussies. Namrock, the token Asian, plays the bass. He doesn't get as many lines as the rest of the cast but he does deliver one of the best quotes from the film, "Hey, this no my pee!" Jones, the token black guy, plays the keyboard and is skilled with computers. Then we have Mag on the drums who dates a witch and looks an awful lot like Corey Haim. Tabitha the witch is a very strange character. She always looks angry and has an eccentric appetite. She likes the fat from meat, jello, and corn dogs all mixed together. Fucking disgusting.

There really isn't much to the plot. Unlike the original, this film lacks substance and wit. On Rock N Roll High School day, the day where the school is blown to pieces, the gang is at it again but a new scary Principle, Dr. Vadar, is not having any of that. She builds a security fence around the school, has a claw instead of a hand, and two dim wit lackeys that carry out her dirty work. These dudes are also pretty aggressive with the boom mic. In short, The Eradicators want to play at the prom but they have to get past the evil Dr. Vadar. Oh and there's also a gross love story between one of the substitute teachers and Corey Feldman's character. He may be 18 but he's still a high school student, you pedophile. Helping Jessie Davis, is an old geezer that has a hidden office in the little boy's room at the school. If you need fake hall passes or answers to tests, Mr. Eaglebauer is your man. 

Writer and director, Deborah Brock, did a great job with Slumber Party Massacre II. You can see that this film has some of the same elements and style. Maybe not all the pastel colors. The dialogue really isn't that great but there are still several quotes we all remember so Ms. Brock can take some comfort in that. "We have to stop Dr. Vadar from destroying Rock-n-Roll High School." 

This sequel is lacking in the music department. It's a complete let down after The Ramones took over the first film. I am not a fan of Corey Feldman's performances in The Eradicators NOW but I was back then. I guess it was because he was on drugs but the performances really are not that great now that I am watching it again. I think the reason why they chose Feldman is because the Two Corey's were hot around this time and they thought they could cash in some bucks. They may not have made any money off of the film but I hope they realize that there are still many fans out there, like myself.

So lets go over the songs performed by Corey Feldman and The Eradicators. The cover of "I'm Walkin" was fun to watch but a horrible cover of a classic tune. "Tutti Frutti" I have never been a fan of the original by Little Richard… At all. "Riot In the Playground" and "Dare Dreamer" were actually not too bad. I really mean that.

The Pursuit of Happiness performed a few songs for the film. "I'm an Adult Now" was spiffy right next to their less spiffy "Rock and Roll High School Forever" theme. "Dirty Love" by The Divinyls was playing during two post coitus scenes with the snobs and I have never heard the entire song but I have sung songs by The Divinyls at karaoke before. The song "You Are Mine" by the band Eleven was the most memorable for me. Maybe because of the upchuck reflexes while the song was playing. Then there's "Very Scary" by Will & The Bushmen and "Bring It on Down" by Jesus Jones. So the soundtrack isn't all bad but it's mostly bad. 

Rock-N-Roll High School Forever provides us with a great cast. There's no PJ Soles but the scary Mary Woronov, who looks like a female Tim Curry, returns as the Nazi principle. Evan Richards, the Corey Haim look-alike, portrays Mag. I remember him from the cult horror film Society. Liane Curtis portrays Stella and I remember her in Sixteen Candles as Samantha's BFF, "Lets go make ourselves available." These were the only cast members I was familiar with. Oh and there's that 'dude' from "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." DANCETV! Got to love that fabulous accent.

So it might be far from perfect. It's nostalgic for me. Right up there with Miracle Beach. I love revisiting all of these films I enjoyed during my childhood. The 90s ruled!

That Night

Every now and then, I like to write about awesome movies from my child hood that aren't horror related. None of the sites I write for want anything to do with these so I post them on here. It's rare that I actually review films on this blog but I make it count! Everyone liked the Drop Dead Fred post and people have been sharing it on Twitter, Facebook, and Pinterest so why not write another? I am not in the habit of collecting non-horror VHS but I am a proud owner or this 1992 film.

Set in Long Island, 1961, a 10-year-old girl is obsessed with a 17-year-old girl and her relationship with a greaser. Based off the novel with the same title, written by Alice McDermott. You can expect some cliches and there's a cheesy scene here and there but overall this is a cute film for romance lovers and teenage girls.

The relationship between Rick and Cheryl are depicted through the eyes of a young girl who is enamored by Cheryl and idolizes her completely. Alice is an outcast amongst her friends who continue to torment her. These little brats put a frog in her mouth while they're playing spin the bottle. I never understood why they gave Alice so much grief. She's much prettier than the other girls, the ginger especially. A young Katherine Heigl doesn't even compare to Alice, played by Eliza Dushku. This was Dushku and Heigl's first film. Both surprised me and it's not too common for child actors to actually make it big and continue to stay away from drugs. Back to the character of Alice, things aren't too perfect in her home as well. Her baby brother died and her father is constantly trying to impregnate his wife so they can fill all that suffering and void. When he is not trying to impregnate his wife, he is away on business trips.

Cheryl meets rebel Rick, played by the very sexy C. Thomas Howell, when he's working at the local bowling alley. Not a bad gig. We don't really know how much older Rick is but we know Cheryl is only 17. A call for Cheryl comes in notifying her that her father just passed away and she leaves immediately with her bowling shoes. Hours after the funeral, Cheryl returns the shoes to the bowling alley and Rick is there to console her. He convinces her to make a record where she pours out her heart and soul then he tells her to bury the record and not dig it up for 50 years. Not like a record with music. Apparently, in the 60s, people recorded their thoughts often.

From that moment on, Rick and Cheryl are inseparable and everyone in the neighborhood has a problem with it. As you can see from the screen cap below, one of the mother's looks on with disgust. It's probably because she's rather mannish looking, has a bad BAD haircut, and never gets any from her husband. Rick and his friends were always hanging out in Cheryl's yard when her mother was away and Cheryl would hang out at the bowling alley, waiting for Rick to share his break with her. Eventually, Cheryl gets pregnant and her mother isn't too happy about it. Cheryl's mother fears that she is throwing her life away and Rick is going to end up hating her for the rest of his life while he works in the bowling alley and never quite makes it in life. The scene where the mother explains this to a broken hearted and confused Cheryl was very powerful with amazing acting. "If you really love him, you will let him go." Juliette Lewis is such a good actress and Helen Shaver did a great job playing her mother. As Cheryl tries to run off to see Rick and tell him the good news, her mother convinces her to go to a home for unwed mothers to have the baby. 

Rick decides, "I'm going to round up my buddies and we are going straight to Cheryl's house to get some answers!" This is a smart idea. Especially when you're drunk and it's late in the evening. I don't understand what his purpose was bring his friends along. They all get their ass beat by the neighborhood dads and it's perhaps the corniest scene in the film with terrible fighting choreography. It was too cheesy for my taste. Especially when Alice screams, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Alice intends on keeping Rick and Cheryl together so she goes out of her way to make sure the two get back together! At first, we don't think it's going to be possible but we get our sappy, happy ending!

I thought the scene where the young girls were rubbing cream on their -A cups was a little awkward. Do girls actually do things like this in front of each other? I guess I was always shy. Nowadays, being naked in front of another woman is no big thing but when you're younger, it just doesn't happen like this. 

I feel I can relate to both the lead female roles - Young Alice and Cheryl. I was close to Alice's age when I saw this with my girlfriends. I also looked up to the character Cheryl and wanted to be her. I wanted to be wrapped up in love like Cheryl. Unfortunately, not everything happens like it does in the movies. One can always dream.

I got really tired of hearing them say, "Hey now," all the time. If I heard "Hey now" one more time.... Well I would just be annoyed. It's still a good flick. I just hate that line. The cutest quote comes from Alice when she tells a sick, pregnant Cheryl to, "DRINK LOTS OF GINGERALE!" 

You can expect plenty of oldies, my favorite among music. Dion, Aretha, and Orbison but the theme song cover "Ruler of My Heart" by Lisa Fischer is not one of my favorites. I prefer a male singer for this song and I am just not a big fan of her voice. People have been trying to find this song for years. Good luck with that. This film doesn't have a soundtrack and it's also not out on DVD.

You can buy the VHS online. I know not everyone is a fan of VHS like myself but it's still worth a look. At least for your children. Ah, childhood memories. I need to write a few more of these. Perhaps I will do Shrimp on the Barbie with Cheech Marin next.

VHS Thursdays: Confessions of a Sex Slave

In a world, where young Caucasian girls are kidnapped off the streets of Zurich and Montreal, a female reporter investigates a missing girl and gets pulled into a world of trouble upon her inquisition. Runaways and low-lives are beaten, raped, and introduced to heroine before they are shipped off to Amsterdam to work as strippers and prostitutes in the Moulin Rouge. I typed that out with the "movie phone" guy's voice in my head. I use to have a friend that could do that voice. He drove his room mate crazy, narrating everything. "In a world, where a man scrambles his eggs while contemplating over a small glass of tangy OJ with no pulp." Imagine having sexual encounters with the movie phone guy. I do.


Often times, sexploitation films are surprisingly docile in terms of sexual content. They want to exploit the idea of sex without violating legal prohibition against showing it all on screen. The early 1970s was bursting with colorful sexploitation films. Mostly women in prison films then we got the Nazisploitation, Nunsploitation, and Blacksploitation. Confessions of a Sex Slave is not the most shocking of the bunch but the rape scenes were more severe than the majority, in my opinion. I wouldn't put it anywhere near as shocking as The Beast in Heat though. It didn't even make it to the Video Nasty list. I wouldn't even try to compare Confessions to a Russ Meyer movie. We do get copious amounts of 70s bush and a lot of sex! They say Confessions of a Sex Slave is "based on a true story." This isn't the best film to represent the white slave trade and the rape scenes were pretty laughable. For girls hooked on heroine, they really don't look that bad off. The dubbing is atrocious but this makes it more comical and entertaining. The score is by Walter Baumgartner. You can expect your typical pseudo 70s music with drum beats and a little sax mixed in there. Honestly, everytime I hear saxophone music I picture the sax man from The Lost Boys. All greased up and dancing like a douche in those tight knickers. Who the hell taught some of these girls how to dance? This film features A LOT of girls stripping and none of them know how to dance.

I am not familiar with Jack Guy's work. This was the last feature film he wrote and directed but he didn't pass away until 2007. I wonder why he decided to stay out of the film business. Gina Janssen  (Helga) has appeared in numerous sexploitation films, including Jess Franco's Hellhole woman but faded away in the early 1980s. She's easily the most attractive feline in this film. Eric Falk (Karate Jack) also appeared in several sexploitation films, including Jess Franco films and Wanda, the Wicked Warden. He also disappeared in the early 1980s. Karate Jack just might be one of the greatest characters in an exploitation film of all time. I feel his character is so underrated. He wears a fur coat and when he's seizuring on top of Gina Janssen, he was so loud, I had to turn it down. His facial expressions and load moans were hilarious. I laughed so hard when Karate Jack jumps out at a cop a does the "Judo chop" to a cop and scream HIYAH! I tried to get clear screen caps for you guys but it was hard. His voice over is a Cary Grant impersonator by the way.

The film opens with an introduction of girls and how they got there and where they're from. Then we meet Helga. The whole film surrounds a reporter and her quest to find her. They shoot her up with heroine, ship her to the Moulin Rouge and whore her out. Karate Jack decides to sample the second girl and she looked like she was starting to enjoy it. I didn't find her attractive, at all, and she is the worst dancer in the world. Thankfully, we don't see much of what she considers "dancing." The next girl looks like a blond Asia Argento with smaller tits. She's really short and oddly shaped but this wont bother most men. She has to have sex with an old balding dude. It looks to me like they're actually having sex so I wonder if there really is penetration? Another girl sets out to be an actress and yet another horrible dancer that is humping the floor. She engages in a threesome with a hilarious looking blond man and woman, hoping it will get her into the 'film industry.' In the end, the reporter and her lackey track down Karate Jack and Helga is rescued, after a vicious rape and heroine injection. Out comes Karate Jack in an Arab gown humming "here comes the bride" and notices she is gone. He puts down his gun to perform his karate moves on the reporters lackey. This has to be the worst fight scene of all time. Unfortunately, Karate Jack shoots Helga. You hear a gun go off and you see blood but you never see the actual shot.The reporter, lackey, and their boss feel it's tragic but she's better off dead than a sex slave and they will continue searching for the other girls. I didn't particularly care for this ending. There's a reason why you don't hear many conversations about this film or come across any reviews for it online, it's terrible but it's not as bad as a lot of the XXX films I come across. It was worth a dollar.




Quotes:
"Who is it?"

"The doctor. I have the medicine for Paul's clap."
"Come in you old faggot."


"You lucky sluts"


"If you cannot keep your mouth shut I will give you a good shellacking!"