Why I Love It Follows

With conglomerate reviews and interpretations, mostly positive, my readers wanted to know why I fell hard for David Robert Mitchell's It Follows. In my opinion, it's a modern masterpiece that deserves to be dissected by a non-jaded viewer. This is a dish best served on my personal blog instead of my column or one of the publications. Here's a list of 10 reasons why I vote success.

Art by Tob Waylan

Movies We Love: American Anthem

Purple Rain writer and director, Albert Magnoli, unfolds gymnastic contemporary drama onscreen with real talent and a rocking soundtrack featuring INXS, Stevie Nicks, and Mr. Mister.

American Anthem centers the majority of its focus on protagonists Steve and Julie. Steve (Olympic Gold Medalist Mitch Gaylord) is on hiatus as a welder (enter Flashdance joke) living with his dysfunctional family. He use to be this big time sports star until his unemployed dickhead father broke his arm. When he's not too busy fighting with his family, chasing after Julie, and contemplating his future career in the gym he's eating raw eggs and licking yogurt. Gross. Steve sticks two metal poles between trees and practices in the rain with some freaky monk music in the back ground and blue fog rising. It looks like a music video which makes sense considering who directed this crap.

Julie (Janet Jones of Chorus Line) wants to be taken seriously but discourages her coach because she hates her classic floor music and loves her handicapped composer's bad disco beats that are not permitted.  This and her relationship with Steve intereferes with her focus which causes a lot of yelling in the gym by her coaches. She's corrected constantly while the hardest working gymnast, Becky Cameron, shines on and get to perform her floor routine to cool music. It's too bad about Becky's knee. Julie may have hope after all. A few more useless family drama scenes later, we reach the final conclusion of the film with several competitive athletes fighting for a spot on the Olympic team and Steve mulling over his rocky relationship with his father.

American Anthem is filled with cliches and corny dialogue accompanied by some very good and some very bad music. The acting is suitable with Mama's and Papa's singer Michelle Phillips portraying Steve's mom, who gets yelled at for earning the daily bread. Mitch Gaylord is pretty decent considering he's an athlete and not an actor. Janet Jones has so much talent, it's hard to understand why she wasn't involved with more films.

It'S nowhere near as good as other gymnastic films but still worth a look.

Movies We Love: Showgirls

"A young drifter, named Nomi, arrives in Las Vegas to become a dancer and soon sets about clawing and pushing her way to become the top of the Vegas showgirls."

Once upon a time, Showgirls held a record for the most Razzie nominations. Thirteen to be exact, taking home seven. I Know Who Killed Me would take it's place, followed by Jack and Jill. This NC-17 baddie may have flopped at the box office but we all still hold it dear in our perverted hearts. Even Quentin Tarantino has a soft spot for this erotic drama. This wasn't meant to be one of those "It's so bad it's good" flicks. Flopping wasn't a part of the plan. Dream team Joe Eszterhas and Paul Verhoeven were hoping for success after the epic Hollywood erotic thriller Basic Instinct. Millions of dollars were put into this production. So how did it fail? Kyle MachLachan, Gina Gershon, and Elizabeth "I'm Not a Whore" Berkley are all talented actors but their performances are ruined by a hideous script that desperately needs a make over. Screen writer Eszterhas didn't put a whole lot of effort into turning this into a masterpiece. The directing is the best thing this hot mess has going for it, along with the stage production and wardrobe department. Fortunately, Showgirls earned over $100 million in video rentals, which is one of the highest grossing. Hell, I remember my brother's renting this flick almost every week.

Prostitute turned stripper turned show girl, Nomi Malone, finds herself sharing a mobile home with a show girl seamstress in Las Vegas after running away from a whole bag of issues and crooked past. Nomi Malone is a character the audience equally hates and adores. It's okay not to like her back-stabbing road to fame but it's hard not to want her to succeed. Little is known about Nomi's dance education. We only know that she has the pelvic thrust talent that she likely picked up after a whole lot of fucking. Hooking and drugs controlled her life after the murder-suicide of her parents. She cannot pronounce Versace and she refuses to be called a whore or a stripper, even though that's exactly what she is. Nomi has a Masters in nail design and strongly opposes to icing her nipples - A tactic even models use before shooting.

I'm really not attracted to Elizabeth Berkley's look here.

Meet Cristal "I Quote Elvis Too Much" Connors. What we know about Cristal is that she's the star of the show, attracted to both boys and girls, and never eats brown rice and vegetables. She climbed her way up from Texas and abuses the word "Darlin." More importantly, she loves to taunt Nomi Malone. After eight years starring in the show, it's time for an aging Cristal Connors to leave the building.

Both actors are Jewish

Not only do Cristal and Nomi engage in a dance war, the two are constantly at each other's throats. There's no way this is going to end well. Nomi eventually tires of Cristal's jealousy cat games and pushes the bitch down the stairs. A star is born! Nomi shortly becomes the new star then it all falls apart with several ridiculous moments happening before she realizes, it's time to move on. There are so many scenes that cannot be described here. I mean, where else are you going to see naked girls and monkeys in the same room together?

Julie (far left) is the best dancer in the show. It's just too bad about her hair.

In closing, Showgirls is bedazzled campy fun, raining with bare tits. I like to think of it as the NC-17 version of All About Eve. With an NC-17 rating, there's a lot to see here. The actresses are practically topless the entire time and a fully nude Berkley and Machlachan perform the most ridiculous sex scene I have ever seen. You have to see it to believe it. 

Things This Movie Taught Me:

*Every boy in the world used it as beat off material. 

*Everybody in Las Vegas has AIDS and shit. 

*The dancing is pretty good but there's also a lot of thrusting and exaggeration which makes it sometimes painful to watch. I am not alone here, turns out. 

*If the seamstress is unnecessarily raped by a musician, the entertainment director will make everything okay by giving her her very own dress shop. 

*Children are allowed in the dressing room with dozens of naked women but profanity is bad for them. 

*Nomi Malone doesn't like to wear underwear.

*Having sex on your period is okay, as long as you have towels. 

Movies We Love: Romy and Michele's High School Reunion

Can we all agree that Romy and Michele is one of the greatest movies ever made? Take a fabulous duo like Mira Sorvino as Romy White and Lisa Kudrow as Michelle Weinberger (JEW) and you have the most fabulous train wreck to ever grace the silver screen. Bless Lisa Kudrow's heart, it's rare that she has the opportunity to play a character that isn't a complete idiot, "Hold me close young Tony Danza." I know there are some Romy and Michele haters out there. When I asked which films we should feature on "Movies We Love" I was serious. This is not a democracy.

Herein lies two ditsy gals reaching 30 with nothing to show for their lives except for carelessness, partying, candy corn diets, 6 inch heels on treadmills, and perhaps the greatest fashion choices in the world since Cher. Like all late twenty-somethings, their reunion is coming up and they haven't done a damn thing since high school to show those preppy fucks that they're just as important. *Lightbulb* Just say that you invented Post Its. Better yet, disregard spending any time planning out what sort of 'business' you are in until you are hours away from the reunion. If you have the suits, a hot borrowed car, and a chunky cell phone.... No one will care what you invented. Even before this embarrassing ridiculousness, the two hunt for better jobs and hot boyfriends. How they were unsuccessful in the dating game  is beyond me since the two are raging hotties. They'd give a dog a bone. 

Michele is in charge of finding jobs and the only unemployed one in this relationship. After making a fool of herself on Rodeo Drive, or whatever, she finds herself at a discount store for the poor and is immediately disgusted. Lets face it, with Michele's fashion skills, she is above selling ban lon smocks at Bargain Mart. Meanwhile, Romy works part time as a cashier at a Jaguar lot. By night, she is out looking for potential boyfriends to parade around at the reunion. A decent fellow approaches her and she appears interested at first but turns him down after hearing that he is a suit salesman.

Any who, the two get to the reunion and absurd events that are obviously a dream take place. Michele is hilariously hit by a limo with the nerd who fell in love with her during high school riding in the back. She hops into his limo without a scratch and discovers that  after making millions, this nerd in love bought himself a new face as a 'present to himself.' Romy hooks up with jock Billy who she had the hots for in high school and the two go years without speaking until one is on her death bed and the two are still fighting over who is the Mary and who is the Rhoda.

After this dubious dream of Michele's, we get to the actual reunion that's a lot like high school. For the record, I just want to say that some girls will never change. For some reason, some that were never loved as a child and that have had very little to show for their lives will remain ass holes. I still deal with it and one of my best girlfriends still deals with it. Girls can be so mean and it's a shame because we should all support each other but I will save that rant for another day. In the end, the girls are mortified and humiliated by the A group once again. In the end, they switch back into their frisky and lucrative clothing and tell those bitches off once and for all. Even Heather Mooney finds happiness.

In walks the nerd who still carries a boner for Michele (Alan Cummings- I love him) and the trio bonds by performing a ridiculous modern dance to "Time After Time" by Cyndi Lauper. It's easy for me to tell that Sorvino use to be a dancer. Kudrow, not so much. With a dramatic exit, every one is happy and the A group may never recover. Now Romy and Michele have their own clothing store thanks to nerd Sandy Frink which is where they make their signature, "Have a Romy and Michele Day." 

The flashbacks to high school in the 80s are the most endearing and entertaining parts in the film. The girls were undoubtedly cooler than those preppy douche bags. I get serious douche chills during the prom scene while watching what these 80s yuppies are wearing. Thanks to Lisa Kudrow and her tonguing a vegetable of some sorts for bringing some comedy to this.

It's rare that I meet someone who has nothing but contempt for fun adult comedies like Romy and Michele. Most girlfriends in America actually believe they are Romy and Michele.Though I share some of their dim-witted moments, I find myself empathizing with Jeather Mooney. We share the sarcasm and smoked cigarettes behind the school. The only difference is that I am more fashionable and I wax my eyebrows.

Random left overs; One of the bitches in the A group is Pam from True Blood. Romy and Michele still look their best when working out at the gym. Taking a fat girl's hamburger is a dick move but that's okay because getting Mono is like... The best diet ever.

Movies We Love: Grease 2

Before you roll your sanctimonious eyes at my post, remember that I was a young girl who evolved into a world of dance, theater, and musicals. There are many others out there like me who adore this sequel to the previous classic starring John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John. Sometimes, I miss being a child. Not only did my girlfriends and gay best friend watch Grease 2 with me 984728975392378598925 times, we were also proud owners of the soundtrack. My best friend Andy and I spent hours making up our own choreography in our living rooms. 

The original gave us heart warming songs like; Summer Nights, Grease Lightening, and Hopelessly Devoted but Grease 2 gives us; We're Gonna Score Tonight, Lets Do It For Our Country, and Reproduction. Musical lovers often despise this sequel. In fact, other than my friends I cannot think of a single person who might actually like it. So first time director Patricia Birch didn't know what she was doing. Give her a break. Birch was a dance choreographer and choreographed the first film. There are a few acts I could have done without and the dialogue isn't particularly that good but the casting was perfect. Some of the cast members have expressed their harsh opinions in recent interviews stating that the script wasn't even finished half-way into filming and that everything was very disorganized. This makes me question whether the film could have been more successful had they taken their time on the filming process and script. Who knows what they could have accomplished. They could have hired some professional dancers. This is some of the worst dancing in a musical I have ever seen with the exception of Charles McGowan who really stood out in The Chorus Line. 

The plot is almost identical to the previous film only it’s a complete role reversal. In Grease, Olivia Newton-John has to transform into a leather jacket, tight slacks wearing hussy who now smokes cigarettes and pierced her ears all so she could win John Travolta over. This time around, it’s the guy who has to transform into a greaser.  It’s another year at Rydell High with a new set of T-Birds and Pink Ladies. A new hunky English transfer named Michael (Maxwell Caulfield)  falls for the head Pink Lady Stephanie (Michelle Pfeiffer) but she’s into bad boys and motorcycles.  Michael goes shopping for a new wardrobe and a bicycle from the local junk yard. After fixing up his very own bike to impress Stephanie, he learns how to out ride the T-Birds. The T-Birds are intimidated by how cool this mystery man is. The Rydell High School rules state that the Pink Ladies are only allowed to date T-Birds so there’s no way this much cooler bike rider is getting anywhere near Stephanie. I'm sure you can guess everything that follows. 

Nice swets. Why do you change clothes in every scene?

Prepare for an abundance of silly faces. 

Lets break down some of these musical numbers, starting with the opening. It's a shame they couldn't use an animated opening shown in the previous film instead of this crummy and embarrassing number. "Back to School" is poorly choreographed with untalented dancers accompanied by dreadfully written lyrics. Pfeiffer's introduction was quite humiliating for her. 

"Score Tonight" is a particularly puzzling musical number as there are nuns bowling and Adrian Zmed seems to have the ability to slide up and down the lanes like a rock star and suddenly lift into the air, impressing Paulette. The dubbing is terrible and it seems as if they spent very little time in the editing room. How in the world am I to describe some of the bizarre cuts and angles they captured on film? It's amateur hour. Make it stop! 

Bowling nuns!

Can you imagine seeing this in an actual bowling alley?

"Who's That Guy?" Gee, I don't know. Who is that guy? The fact that he is wearing a helmet and goggles makes it a difficult task to figure out who it could possibly be. This ridiculous number features a really old motorcycle gang terrorizing high school kids at the bowling alley for shits and giggles. The leader of this gang, who we call rat face, was the crater face who took Rizzo to the dance in the previous film. What is it with this dude? Is he a pedophile? Why is he always just hanging around the high school? I DON'T KNOW! Then he sings, "He’s gonna take a tumble with one solitary thrust.” That's the most homo-erotic line I have ever heard. The scene follows with a frustrated Stephanie expressing that she's tired of being someone's chick. Her friend Rhonda is all, "Tired of being someone's chick? Are you feeling okay?" Apparently, the Pink Ladies have zero issues with being T-Bird property. 

"Reproduction" seems to be everyone's favorite and the most quoted. Make no mistake about it, this is a ridiculous number. It takes place in a class room while learning about intercourse. The teacher creepily asks, "When is the best time for a woman to conceive?" A T-Bird retorts, "At night?" 

Dorks

"Lets Do It For Our Country" was a fun number but overall silly and outlandish. First of all, how dumb is Sharon? Letting go of your virginity is a big decision but if your boyfriend has you in a bomb shelter and has convinced you that he is about to fight for America, so she should fuck him..... Then you might as well give that cherry up. Just do it for the Grand Canyon or Disney Land. No seriously, those are the lyrics. Now that I am older and wiser, I wonder how in the world Paramount Pictures looked at this and said, "This is some good shit." 

"Prowlin" happens to be my favorite act in the film's entirety. It's crafted together nicely, catchy, and performed beautifully. 

Lets face it, "Cool Rider" is every girl's favorite. Every girl in America was singing along with Pfeiffer on this number. Pfeiffer deserves a lot of credit for this number. As silly as it may be, it's a catchy tune and the lady has a unique voice. The lyrics aren't half bad. It's hard not to burst into 'Coooooooool rider. Cooooooool rider." 

"Girl For All Seasons" is the best performance out of the bunch even though these girls cannot dance! It's a neat production with the lead of season starring each Pink Lady and two back-up greaser girls. As for Spring, why are these girls in point shoes when they don't know what the hell they are doing? These poor dears could have broken their ankles. Their struggling and shakiness on their tippy toes is too obvious and painful to watch. However, the girl on the right appears to know what she's doing. Another Pink Lady dresses up as a tree, can you say embarrassing? If one of my girlfriends asked me to dress up as a big purple tree, I'd tell her to go fuck herself. Then we has Pfeiffer showcasing Winter in a Christmas tree gown that isn't half bad. 

"(Love Will) Turn Back the Hands of Time" is another catchy tune and a dreamy duet between Caulfield and Pfieffer after Stephanie believe her cool rider to be dead. It's a little ridiculous, corny, and dramatic. Stephanie stops her performance in Girl For All Seasons immediately then carries on with this odd performance. 

There are so many problems with this sloppy production that don’t even make a lick of sense and several noticeable goofs. For instance, all the kids graduated in Grease but Frenchy and Eugene are still attending Rydell High. Michael introduces himself as Sandy’s cousin which is odd because Sandy is Australian and Michael is English. Maxwell Caulfield also throws his English accent out the window from time to time. The Pink Ladies make fun of a pair of twins shouting, "VIRGIN ALERT!" When they too are virgins. I want to know how one becomes a T-Bird and Pink Lady. In the previous film we hear nothing of this batch. Are the jackets passed down? It's awfully silly to me because your Senior year goes by so quickly, what's the point? Why are the T-Birds on motorcycles this year? They magically went from hot rodders to douches on bikes. Lastly, who the hell is playing the piano at the talent show when Michael is nowhere to be seen. This should make it pretty obvious that Michael is the cool rider. 

Grease 2 is hardly a good film and I love it. We all have our guilty pleasures, this is one of mine. Maybe this isn't the best review I have written, that's why I post silly reviews like Grease 2 on my blog. Hope you guys enjoyed this blast from the past and remember to keep up with my VHS articles on Wicked Channel. 

Movies We Love: Troop Beverly Hills

There's something painstakingly endearing about the Beverly Hills Wilderness troop leader Phyllis Nefler. Maybe it's her willingness to aid these adolescent felines in desperate need of a den mother and role model. You may be asking yourself, "How is this abominably dressed, shoulder pad wearing, spoon fed broad a role model for young girls? Even I, another fashion victim, strongly disapprove of her outfits and demeanor. Before I break down the characteristics of this alarming troop leader with pink nails, let's take a look at her wardrobe....

Nefler has a never ending collection of embarrassing big hats.

Kill it! Kill it!

She even transforms her wilderness get up into this.

This one makes me hungry for cupcakes.

Again with the shoulder pads.

Even those poor children are subjected to bad fashion.

Phyllis Nefler may be all those things. She even abuses bottled water. However, resentful Phyllis is going through a bitter divorce with The  Muffler Man. The only way she knows how to manage her personal travesties is to parade around Rodeo Drive, spending as much money as possible and why shouldn't she? After all, she coupon clipped The Muffler Man's way through law school all so he could make those terrible Muffler Man commercials.

Now Phyllis has been given the difficult task of teaching eight spoiled brats how to 'rough it' in Beverly Hills. The evil and manly Velda Plendor aka The Real Wilderness Girl is out to toss Nefler on her butt because 'real' wilderness girls do not roast marshmallows at The Beverly Hills Hotel. Real wilderness girls do not have fondue or wear expensive fur coats in the wild. Or maybe she is simply crippled by jealousy. We cannot dismiss those bull shit patches; The Jewellery Patch, The Gardening Patch, and The Trick R Treating With Glamour Patch. Thankfully, these kind hearted girls agree to throw their patches away while Nefler's minority maid says, "Patches. We don't need no stinking patches."

Velda makes it her life's mission to frost Nefler's cookies. Her Red Feathered brats even invade TBH turf to sell cookies. Those bitches. Lead Red Feather, Cleo, is villain Velda's equally unattractive and mean spirited daughter. Bless her heart. The Red Feathers constantly cheat, torment, and publicly humiliate TBH after they model their 'wilderness craft,' a back pack that pops open with ridiculous outfits on hangers. Just because they're in the wilderness, it's no excuse not to look their best. Let's be honest here, we would all be on our knees in tears from laughter in result of this 'craft.'

Troop Beverly Hills sends a positive message pumping through our children's veins. Money does not buy happiness. Money does not buy friends. These girls learn to work together as a team. There's no gossiping or bullying. When Chica's parents forget her birthday, the girls don't dance around singing, "Your mommy doesn't love you!" Instead, they bake her a cake and perform a birthday song. When Emily doesn't have enough money for patches because her failed actor of a father is out of work, another girl steps in with some extra cash and never speaks a word of it. These girls even take care of fallen Red Feather den mother Velda by dragging her big ass across the finish line with a broken ankle, instead of leaving her behind. TBH is out to prove that they are wilderness girls and they want to be taken seriously.

This isn't your ordinary chick flick circling a 'real housewife' whoring out bad 80s fashion. It's a fun family flick that teaches positive values and morals. There's no sex talk although there are curse words here and there, "Oh shit. I broke a nail."

Finally, the film is fully equipped with a stellar cast. Cheers actor Shelley Long made several notable comedies from the late 80s and early 90s but TBH will always stand out as some of her best work. Alongside Long we have pretend estranged husband Craig T. Nelson, known for Coach and Poltergeist. Karen Kopins from Once Bitten makes a few appearances and the young ladies in the troop are those who really stand out; Tori Spelling, Carla Gugino, Kellie Martin, and Jenny Lewis. There are also several surprise cameos; Robin Leach, Cheech Marin, and Pia Zadora to name a few. 

Movies We Love: Roller Boogie

This edition of "Movies I Love" takes a trip down disco roller skating lane, yes there is such a thing. This sparkling exploitation feature stays true to the heart of Venice Beach roller skaters. It's practically a documentary with better looking teenagers, colorful outfits, and Linda Blair's bodacious curves. Roller skating is truly a lost art that only roller derby girls like me try to keep alive. Speaking of the sport, roller derby is mentioned in the film as the owner of the skating rink was the best jammer in his day. Hence the name "Jammer."

On with the absolutely, mind-numbingly stupid plot: Terry (Linda Blair) is a rich young girl with a passion for WAIT FOR IT..... roller skating. She also plays the flute and has a scholarship to Julliard. Her pill popping mother and lawyer daddy spend an awful lot of time ignoring her and her rebellious actions as she takes off in their expensive cars and occasionally runs away. "I thought I'd go down to the beach and commit suicide." The mother isn't impressed, "That's nice dear."

Any way, Terry and her friend (Kimberly Beck) hit up the boardwalk one sunny day where they meet a skate rental shop employee named Bobby (Jim Bray) who has a major boner for Linda Blair's gigantic tata's. Bobby is quite the ladies man but he is having a hard time sealing the deal with this rich chick. "Why is this babe not digging my charm?" I don't know Bobby. Maybe it's the suspenders. Bobby is the best skater in all of Venice Beach so Terry decides to pay him $10 an hour to improve her shitty skating skills. Makes me wonder how well Blair can actually skate and how many hours were spent in the editing room, switching out with her stunt double. The two have an off and on again affair with more quarrels than the average romance comedy. This broad is obviously bipolar and cannot seem to make up her mind, "Do you have a mental problem or something? First you want to skate then you don't want to skate." Poor Bobby. In between fights he decides a little solo skating to pseudo-intellectual power ballads therapy is in order. What a cheesefest. It seems that Terry has two love choices. There's Bobby and then there's Franklin, the rich handsy douche bag that practically tries to rape her. She could also go for this muskrat but ultimately chooses Bobby after they win the roller boogie competition.

Nice yellow shorts. Meanwhile, with this lucrative plot going on we reach the unpleasant and over-the-top sub-plot. Jammer is harassed by the mob as they want to shut the roller rink down. So he gets shmammered then announces to the roller skaters that he's shutting down the rink. LUCKILY, our token black guy named "Phones" recorded the startling conversation between Jammer and the mob so Terry gets her lawyer daddy involved. There's an overly dramatic pool party crashing that results in the upper class falling into the pool by 'accident.' *Face in palm* Lets face it, the plot is borderline retarded. I just watch it for the skating.

At the end of the day, Roller Boogie is no worse than beach party films like 'Where the Boys Are." Were they trying to cash in on Saturday Night Fever's success? That's pretty obvious. "I got it! Lets put them on roller skates!" Clever. The opening is really neat with skate tuning and cleansing. There's some groovy music, some by Cher. I assume I don't have to go through the trouble of telling you how poor the script is. the acting wasn't all that terrible though. Roller Boogie would be a lot cooler with guns. This just so happens to be directed by one of my favorite directors, Mark L. Lester. Also responsible for Class of 1984, Commando, and Firestarter.

Movies We Love: Less Than Zero

People are afraid to merge.

Once a junkie, always a junkie. A part of me has always felt sad for Robert Downey Jr's character Julian, who had the world on a platter until he began performing fellatio for drugs while his only friends willing to give him a chance for redemption (Andrew McCarthy and Jamie Gertz) go on a wild goose chase in hopes that it will not be too late. Meanwhile, Clay (McCarthy) is battling his own demons with his unfaithful girlfriend Blair (Gertz) who also has a drug problem and family issues.

Less Than Zero teaches its viewers two valuable lessons. You cannot trust anyone and…… Cocaine is one hell of a drug. The other part of me has no pity for Downey's character Julian. I have had to deal with friends, family, and lovers who had drugs problems in the past and it's no fucking picnic. They will take all of your money, push all of your friends away, disobey your trust, and perform the most bizarre, paranoid behavior that not even Dr. Drew can come to terms with. Pills especially, will turn people into monsters that go out of their way to say cruel things they don't even mean because the come down is unbearable. They made their choice, now is the time to accept responsibility for your own retarded actions.

What's silly is that Downey's portrayal of Julian mirrored his real life and would you believe it.... The man turned his fucking life around and is one of the hottest and highest paid actors in Hollywood.

The most electrifying essential feature in the film is the GORGEOUS visual beauty of the sets and cinematography. California wealth is illustrated in bright technicolor perfectly. It's almost unbelievable. The azusa blue swimming pools, glamorous Christmas parties with a million television sets on deck, fancy cars, everyone looking like a fashion model - All of this supported by a fantastic soundtrack with artists like; The Bangles, Poison, Aerosmith, Slayer, Joan Jett, Public Enemy, LL Cool J, Danzig, Roy Orbison, Run-D.M.C. David Lee Roth, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Cult, The Doors, and Jimi Hendrix. That's one mighty fine variety.

The acting performances between McCarthy, Gertz, and Downey are pretty standard for your typical 80s drama. I do enjoy seeing familiar faces from the Brat-Pack. Downey isn't a member of the Brat-Pack from this time (technically he is) but there's no doubting that he's the most talented actor in this film. His heart-gripping performance almost brings viewers to tears. Along with the star trio, we have one of the many loves of my life, James Spader. Most of you who either know me in real life or keep up with this blog and articles for various websites can tell that I have been a massive Spader fan since Pretty in Pink. It's just like me to fall for the bad boys. There are also cameos by "Heather's" Lisanne Falk that tries to down a bottle of pills and Michael Bowen from Valley Girls and Kill Bill, "My name is Buck and I'm here to fuck." Ugh, serious douche chills. According to IMDB, Brad Pitt was paid $38 for his uncredited appearance and Keanu Reeves was initially cast as Clay Easton. Interesting.

The final 30-minutes of the film is quite depressing and ultimately, the same result as many cocaine users whose lives have spun out of control. The actors did a good job helping us to feel the tension between the main characters. Julian has nowhere to go. His family has cut him off and he has this crazy drug dealer Rip (Spader) after him and prostituting him out to settle old debts. Clay (McCarthy)  really cares about his best friend, even though he fucked his girl, and he will do anything to get him out of this situation. He tries speaking to Rip but Rip is all, "Who the fuck do you think you are talking to pal?" With that horrible slicked-back 'do' and gigantic cellphone in a hot tub. These people went to high school together, including Rip. They're barely into their 20s and they're already prostituting their own friends over cocaine debts. It's just nonsensical madness. Then there's Blair who seems to have some family drama with her father and his new bitch. This is never really explained into detail in the film but the tension is pretty obvious, especially when Blair's father's lady comes out of the bedroom with that 'fresh fucked' hair and make-up and her daddy's shirt. Blair decided not to go off to college. Instead, she thought it would be a good idea to become a model and form a cocaine habit. Clay still has feelings for Blair. Throughout all the chaos of Christmas, he plans to take Blair and Julian back to school with him. While Julian has made it clear that he is "Not ready for homework," Blair seems to be for this idea to get their lives on the right track. I will not spoil the ending for you here but let me just say, it's not good.

The film is actually based on Bret Easton Ellis's nihilistic novel with the same title. The film stays true to the book, for the most part but doesn't provide the coldness in all of our characters, including Clay. The novel is far more depressing than the film.

Breaking All the Rules

There's something about ridiculous 80s comedies that makes my heart melt. Right down to the era's fantastic style in clothing and music - Breaking All The Rules is complete with close-up boobage, teenage hormones, dick-faced masks, bad dialogue, and idiotic criminals. All taking place at a theme park in Canada.

What's outrageous to me about the plot is that it's about a 16-year-old blond brat when it looks like a 30-year-old actress playing her. She's fucking 16! Debbie (Carolyn Dunn) and her gal pal Angie are off to have the time of their life at the local amusement park as well as one of the park's employees and his friend. Jack (Carl Marotte) spots Debbie's panties earlier in the day and it's a little hard for him to forget. The two cross pathes again at the amusement park only Debbie has a few 'changes.' This broad has chopped off her hair and is sporting a new spikey do accompanied by punk clothing. Standing next to her gal pal, it reminds me of a few of my friendships in the past. I have a tendency to befriend girls who are nothing like me.

The four come together to have a good time with an exciting chase between a threesome of goofy misfits who previously stole the parks 'diamond' and hid it in a carnies' stuffed animal. These criminals are probably the worst criminals in cinema to date. You have the big buffoon who doesn't know his ass from a hand basket. The hot chick who prefers women and in return gets her ass beat after hitting on the naked ladies in the show's dressing room. Then there's the ring leader who has the goofiest fucking mug I have ever seen and terrible taste in clothing. Nice jacket.

New World never disappoints this collector. As lame as the plot sounds, it's still a fun Canadian flick with surprisingly passable cinematography on a low budget. There's a handful of excellent shots at the theme park. I've always been partial to films taking place in a theme park. This isn't just any theme park. It's actually called 'Fun Park.' The leading man makes a crack about how all they need is something that starts with an F and ends with a K. His wing man asks, "Is there a U in it?" FUN PARK. Get it?

I cannot side with the acting. It isn't terrible but there's also nothing special here. Carl Marotte as the male lead seems to have a steady acting career although I have only seen him in this and My bloody Valentine. Even though his character came off as an over confident dork at times, I strangely found myself attracted to him. Get this, the actor playing his little side kick's name is THOR Bishopric. Such a big name for such a small lad. He's actually the President of ACTRA which according to his IMDB page is the Canadian equivalent of the Screen Actor's Guild. Everyone has a crush on Carolyn Dunn in the lead. Maybe it's the dimples. I don't get it but different strokes for different strokes, my friends. Other than her work in the Friday the 13th series, I haven't seen anything else. Rachel Hayward has had a vast acting career in the sci/fi genre. I am completely unfamiliar with the exception of Xtro 2 and Just One of the Girls with Corey Haim.

Director James Orr wrote the screenplays for Three Men and a Baby, Mr. Destiny, Sister Act 2, and Man of the House. It would appear that Breaking All the Rules was his first directing credit. Interesting tidbit I found on his bio page, "Was sentenced to three years probation for assaulting his ex-girlfriend Farrah Fawcett. A Los Angeles County Superior Court judge ordered him to perform 100 hours of community service, attend a batterer's counseling program and pay $500 to a domestic violence fund." So I am supporting a woman beater's film?

The soundtrack is pleasing as the film opens with the classic tune 'Mannish Boy" by Muddy Waters and ending with Shannon's "Let the Music Play." Paul Booth's "Breaking All the Rules" theme wasn't all too bad.

It's nowhere near perfect and you might find yourself biting your nails at times but if you can get past the acting, silly plot, and dialogue... It's campy fun and neatly filmed.

Movies We Love: The Room

What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think about The Room? Shit sandwich. It's shit but I love sandwiches. A shit sandwich smothered in erroneous portrayals, a heavenly slice of icky and substandard communication, a side of abandoned subplots, and the R&B slow jams squiring the sleazy coitus acts makes for a nice cool refreshment to help swallow it down. It has a strong cult following that attends the Midnight Showings in theaters all over the US, dressed as the characters from the film while throwing spoons at the screen and tossing a football around. Cartoon Network even aired the film on April Fools Day for years.

It has been said that Troll 2 is the best worst movie of all time. Honestly, I think both of these films carry that heavy torch. It's hard to choose which is better or worse. Both films were made on a serious note yet came out to be the most hilarious piece of shit film-making known to man. Give yourself a hand, Tommy Wiseau. The Room is this weeks selection for Shitty Movie Tuesday.

This is a long awaited review that people have been begging me to post for years. It took a while because I knew I had to see the film again before giving it a write up. I've seen a lot of clips and fan made videos here and there over the years but I didn't watch the film for the third time until last night. There seems to be a lot of love on the net as well. Check out this cool meme I came across earlier on Facebook.

Let me get this genius plot away before the fun begins; Johnny is a banker that gets screwed out of a promotion but that's okay because his girlfriend Lisa is loyal to him…. So he thought. Lisa begins shagging his best friend Mark on a regular basis. Lisa's mother has cancer. Lisa doesn't love Johnny. There's a subplot with a young retarded man named Denny who gets mixed up in drugs. But we never find out what happens with this part of the story. It's almost as if Tommy Wiseau forgot that was part of the story. A shit storm at a party ensues and the cards are off the table. Was that the worst synopsis you ever read? You'll forgive me after you see this shit sandwich. 

Supposedly this film had a 6 million dollar budget. That's several million more than most independent horror features that are some of the worst films known to man. One has to wonder where the money went.

Lets go over my four favorite scenes beginning with, "Oh, Hi Mark."  Johnny starts every conversation off with "Oh, hi." This is the best of conversations between Johnny and Mark. A raging Johnny walks up to the rooftop and rambles on, "I did not hit her, it's not true! It's bullshit! I did not hit her! I did NOT. Oh hi, Mark." What the…. how random. Apparently, Johnny and Mark are best friends. This is mentioned seven times. They seem to have many awkward conversations. In the middle of Johnny's 'confidential' work conversation, he randomly asks Mark, "Anyway, how is your sex life?" Mark doesn't have all the best lines in the film like Johnny but he does get to say, "Leave your stupid comments in your pocket." After a few more hilarious lines are thrown at a random pace, Mark tells a tragic story, "Yeah, man, you'll never know. People are very strange these days. I used to know a girl; she had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it... beat her up so bad she ended up at a hospital on Guerrero Street." For some reason, Johnny thinks this story is hilarious. He begins laughing and says, "What a story, Mark."




Scene two, the flower shop scene. Johnny walks into a flower shop and the clerk asks, "Can I help you?" Note, she doesn't recognize him at first. Johnny asks for a dozen red roses. She then says, "Oh, hi, Johnny. I didn't know it was you." You can see him clear as day when he walks into the shop but it takes her a few minutes to recognize him. Then rest of the scene is random dialogue thrown in… Just because? Johnny pays the clerk then is like, "Here you go. Keep the change." Without pausing he immediately says, "Hi, doggy," while petting a random dog that just happens to be sitting on the counter. This is followed by the clerk saying, "You're my favorite customer" without pausing yet again. I am also convinced that clerk is a dude.

Scene three, "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART LISA!" This seems to be one of the most quoted lines in the film. He screams about how he didn't hit her then pushed her down on the couch. Lisa asks, "Why are you so hysterical?" No shit. Lisa may be a wench but that's no reason to go around pushing girls and screaming at them.




Scene four, "CHIP CHIP CHIP." Last time I checked, chickens didn't say "CHIP." He does this twice.




So lets go over some of these plot holes like the mother having cancer. "I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer." Wiseau just decides to give this character cancer for no reason and never even brings the issue up again. Then there's the subplot with Denny. Denny is the weirdest character in the whole film and that's saying a lot considering how weird Johnny is. Wiseau claims his character is suppose to be mentally retarded which makes sense because at the beginning he jumps in the bed with Lisa and Johnny to pillow fight and say, "I just like to watch you guys." Creepy. Turns out, Denny has a problem with drugs and is almost killed by a drug dealer. The issue is not solved or brought to the table again.

Lisa is not only an ungrateful and unfaithful bitch. She's an airhead as well with lines like, "She's a stupid bitch. She wants to control my life. I'm not going to put up with that. I'm going to do what I want to do, and that's it. What do you think I should do?" Then there's the line about the promotion and asking Johnny if he wants her to order a pizza followed by, "I already ordered a pizza."

With all of these amazing quotes and the terrible filmmaking, one has to wonder if Tommy Wiseau is a genius. He said he made the film on a serious note. So there you have it. There's either something wrong with him or he is in fact.... A genius. You really want to know what it is that made The Room so amazing? Do you REALLY want to know? I will tell you. Are you ready?

Ancient Aliens.


Favorite Quotes:

"Love is blind."

Don't touch me, mother fucker."

"Anything for my princess!"

"I'm tired, I'm wasted…. I love you, darling!"

"Who are you calling a bitch?"
"You and your stupid mother."

Magic Mike

Intermittently, I fancy posting jocose reviews on my blog that are not acceptable on any of the horror sites I write for. Those colorful and groovy enough to make the cut on Your Friendly Neighborhood Jewish Girl are few and far between. This time around, it's Magic Mike's turn. Before I anatomize the magical world of perspiring, penis rocking heartthrobs and what the protagonists desire out of life.... I want to share a point that Roger Ebert previously made, "Making money by allowing people to push cash into your g-string is, I think we can agree demeaning." For the most part, I agree with this notion. It's not like modeling naked or making 'art.' It's basically like saying, "Hey, you can touch my body if you tip me two dollars." Don't get me wrong. I don't have anything against strippers and I love to see films that depict the lives of people who sell themselves for money. But I do believe there are pros and cons for the job.

I see Magic Mike and Flash Dance and think, "These human beings can actually dance and these are well choreographed numbers." Then there are actual strippers I go to see, mostly female, and their numbers and costumes are completely unoriginal and distasteful. I would much rather go to a strip club where there's a lot of thought and hard work put into their performance rather than a girl in a repetitious bikini who grinds up and down a pole. Show some talent! If you're going to become an erotic dancer, at least learn how to dance. That's just what I want out of strippers though. I realize most only care about naked bodies and a good time.

Then there's the argument of who it exploits more, men or women? Before you get all, "OMG men and women are equals!" Let me just stop you right there Sally. I do believe we are equals and it shouldn't make a difference if it's male or female on stage but to US as HUMAN BEINGS in our mindset, it totally does. When men go to see a female stripper and tip her while she gives them a lap dance, they automatically think about having sex with them. Sex is all they think about, after all, they were made that way. Whereas women that go to a male strip club are often only there for the fun and entertainment before going home to their husbands. 

Right then, on with the review! Magic Mike is parallel to Flashdance in many ways. Not only because of the choreography but because it's all about the protagonist's journey to finding themselves. Then there's the whole 'construction worker by day and stripper by night' facade that ties the two together. While the ambition-less 19-year-old Adam is finally making something out of his life by stripping and getting a life supply of vagina and Ecstasy, the 30-year-old Mike is gradually going downhill and wanting more out of life than stripping and close encounters of the herpes from random young ladies. After taking Adam under his wing, he begins to fall for his extremely stale sister. He has goals as well. For instance, he desperately wants his own furniture store and he has been saving all of his earnings for six years. Magic Mike starts off with plenty of glitz and glam and partying till dawn then the film quickly down spirals. My biggest complaint is that the film is certainly long enough but not enough information is shared and the film ends so abruptly... I blinked and the ending credits rolled.

There are numerous comedic moments throughout the film. For instance, Big Dick Rich with that penis pump and his facial expression. How random and comical. Then later on he is flipping a larger girl on stage and throws out his back. He shakes his head and staggers off stage, leaving the woman alone on stage feeling embarrassed. Lastly, we have the awkward scene where Matthew McConaughey tries to teach Adam how to shake dance. He even gets right behind him with his balls rocking up against his behind. Well, his work out pants were pretty tight so I doubt they were knocking but you get the picture. I could tell my boyfriend was extremely uncomfortable watching this. Not that he has a disliking towards gay people, he was just uncomfortable and the men in the film were straight. The scene reminded of Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze is trying to teach Baby how to dance. Only this time, it's two straight dudes.... Hot dudes. 

As far as the acting goes, I believe it's one of Matthew McConaughey's best performances. I wished Joe Manganiello had more lines and performances in the film. He is a fine actor that I know from True Blood as a were wolf. At least he was given the informal title Big Dick Rich. Channing Tatum did a remarkable job acting wise and I never expected that in a million years. I am not a huge fan of his previous work. Apparently, he is a former stripper so he knew what he was doing. I agree. As I said on my Facebook page, he can ride my pony all he likes. Nice. Alex Pettyfer was alright. I kept getting the feeling that his character Adam was dirty and his overall performance was good but did nothing special for me. I also do not care for the cross tattoo on his chest but he gave a good Arnold impression, didn't he? The worst performance in the entire film, and I am not alone here, was Cody Horn. Her performance was so stiff. For instance, in a dramatic scene where she is yelling at Mike, "No… Mike!" I hated her character right away because her mouth naturally sets to a frown in just about every scene. Observe her facial expressions down below and tell me you disagree.

Overall, Magic Mike is fun and entertaining. I was pleased with the directing by Steven Soderbergh, who brought us Erin Brockovich and the remake of Oceans Eleven but I could not understand why there was such a strong yellow tone during the film. When I think Florida, I do not think 'yellow.' As for the screenplay by Reid Carolin, I am not a fan and I will leave it at that.

It has been a while since I've done this but I am about to make fun of IMDB posts from the fans/naysayers:

Total Snoozefest
So you're a straight male. That doesn't mean it was a snoozefest for the rest of us. Pipe down Chachi.

The Ending Sucks
In a way I agree. It feels incomplete and unsatisfying but life is so uncertain. I think they ended it this way because of the uncertainty. Plus, there is going to be a sequel.

Alex Pettyfer Looks Like He Smells
I agree. 

Wait, Women Actually Find These Shows Titillating?
They wouldn't be around if they didn't.

Cody Horn Ruined This Movie
I couldn't agree more except I still enjoy the film. 

Where Are All the Gay Guys?
Who cares? Not all male dancers are gay. Most female strippers are straight. Sounds like you have a problem with straight people.

Gayest Movie Ever?
You obviously haven't seen Lord of the Rings or Cats and Dogs part II.

I Didn't See Any Point to This Movie
It's about male strippers and the two main characters. Mike's downfall and Adam's rising. DURR HURR.



Why No Black Guy?
I think you mean "Why is there no black guy" and who cares?

NO STORY, NO CLIMAX, NO ACTING!
See the plot description and you will see the story. The climax is pretty obvious. I agree with the acting, only for Cody Horn. Disagree with the rest being bad actors.

How Come the Movie Showgirls Only Had White Strippers?
Why don't you ask on the Showgirls page? First of all, there are two very attractive black women in Showgirls. One is the main characters best friend and the other is a very talented show girl who actually gets pushed down the stairs because she is so good. She was the understudy as well. There was also a black male dancer in the film but he wasn't a stripper. He WAS however extremely unattractive with bad BAD hair. Second, how dare you call the filmmakers racist. There was clearly a Latino man and another is Sicilian. Grow a dick.

Thanks for reading. See you next time :)